我们的父亲一定比你们的厉害
Our dad could have beat the shit out of your dad.
我没吹牛 这就是事实
I'm not bragging, it's just a fact.
你可能听说过人头重超过11磅
You may have heard that the human head weighs 11 pounds
脖子就会支撑不住
and the neck shouldn't be able to support it.
但是我爸的胡子就有12磅重
Our dad's mustache alone weighed 12,
而且他的脖子屁事没有 因为那就像他的第三块二头肌一样
his neck didn't give a shit, because it was basically a third bicep.
他开着辆福特350
He drove an '89 350.
一加仑才跑十英里
Got ten miles to the gallon,
但是他通过种花让我妈每天都能收获一束鲜花
but he offset his carbon footprint by growing our mom
而且也抵消了自己制造的二氧化碳
a fresh bouquet of flowers every single day.
那辆车我现在都还在开
I still drive it.
他和我妈有三个男孩
Him and our mom had three boys.
亚当 也就是我 还有蒂姆和凯文
Adam, that's me, Tim, and Kevin.
我们三个人一起
With our powers combined,
都没有把他打倒
we never once got him to the ground,
蒂姆高中还得过州冠军摔跤手
and Tim was a high school state champion wrestler in junior high.
每年夏天 我们都会去他自己赤手空拳建造的小屋
Every summer, we'd go to the cabin he built with his bare hands,
懦夫才要使用工具
because tools are for cowards,
他教育我们
and he showed us everything there was to know
如何成为一个男人
about being a man.
如何生火 如何砍树 如何制服熊
Building fires, chopping down trees, subduing bears.
你知道 这些都是基础
You know, the basics.
他称这个为“男子汉营地”
He called it "Man Camp",
然而我16岁的时候
and then when I was 16 years old,
他碰到了一件他无法战胜的难题
he ran into the one thing that he couldn't take down
就算他扔斧头技术世界一流
with his world class ax throwing abilities.
他得了癌症
He got cancer.
在几个月内
And within months,
行走星球的最伟大的人走了
the greatest man to walk the planet was gone.
现在 你父亲可能还活着
Now, your dad might still be alive,
但是如果他们也去了天堂
but if they ever do throw down in Heaven,
我不知道这些如何运作
or you know, I don't how all that's going to work,
但是如果是这样的话
but if they do,
我们的父亲绝对会比你们的父亲厉害
our dad will absolutely beat the shit out of your dad.
杰夫 大卫·曼恩 追悼会
12年后
一位被深爱着的 丈夫 父亲 2006年
我们今天能不这样做吗
Can we not do this today?
别舔了 吃掉
Stop licking it, eat it.
如果你喜欢这个味道 那就喂到嘴里
If you like the taste, then put it all the way in.
如果你喜欢它的味道 就吃到肚肚里面去
If you like the way it tastes, then put it in your belly.
看着我 你现在把那燕麦粥吃了
Look at me, you eat that oatmeal right now.
放进嘴里 然后吞下去
You put it in your mouth and you swallow it
不然我就拿走你的毛毯
or I will take your blankie
我会像冯·特拉普上尉燃烧纳粹旗帜一样烧掉它
and I will burn it like Captain von Trapp burning the Nazi flag.
你听得懂这个吗 小心我把你丢掉 小家伙
Do you understandI can get rid of you in a second, bud.
转角处可就有孤儿院
They got orphanages on every corner.
我还以为早餐大战早结束了
I thought the breakfast battle would be over by now.
嘿 这家伙是亲生的么 因为我不这么认为
Hey, is this thing ours, because I'm not,
我对此不太确定
I'm not feeling super sure about it.
你看到他从我身上出来的
You saw him come out of me, so.
确实 我确实看到了 健身怎么样
Indeed, indeed I did. How was the gym?
啊 我碰到了克里斯汀 你知道
Ugh, Kristen, you know,
就那个让我只吃三个星期的益生菌
the one who is only eating raw bacteria
说是平衡我的阴道菌群
for three weeks to reset my vagina?
又缠着我说她的金字塔计划（庞氏骗局）
Cornered me about her pyramid scheme again.
-你进了金字塔 宝贝 -不 宝贝 我没有
- Did you get in the pyramid, babe- No, I did not, babe.
宝贝 你真的有机会进入金字塔
Babe, you got a chance to get in a pyramid,
那你一定要去 哪里可有无尽的宝藏 宝贝
you get in there, you get that forbidden treasure, babe.
哦 你个笨蛋
Oh, you're dumb.
-你开始为旅行打包了吗 -是的
- Did you start packing for your trip yet- Yeah.
是啊
Yeah, yeah?
你怎么了 这可是男子汉营地周啊
What is the matter with youIt's Man Camp Week!
通常大家都像 “哦 把这肉煮了
Usually you're all like, "Oh, cook up this meat!
拿杯啤酒给我 挠一下我的蛋
Grab me a beer, scratch my balls.
是的 ”
Yeah."
-哇 -哇 我就是这样的吗
- Whoa! - Wow, that's what I'm like?
是的 当你和你的兄弟在一起时 是的
Yeah, when you're with the your brothers, yes.
好吧 我有点厌倦了
Well, I'm just a little tired of being
当家里唯一的成年人
the only adult in the family, you know?
最近几年 我就像保姆一样
It's been like babysitting the last few years.
没事没叫你 Artiz 我就是举个例子
Not now, Artiz, I'm trying to make a point.
真的么
Really?
听着 你能不能
Listen, can't you just,
就像 你来做那个恶人 给他们说 我不能去吗
like, crack the whip and tell me I can't go?
-当那个恶...人 -是的
- Crack... the whip- Yeah.
-你知道 -哦 嗯
- You know, the whip. - Oh, ugh, mm.
好多妻子都这么做
Lots of wives do it.
你真恶心 不
You're disgusting and no,
我不会终结你们12年来
I'm not going to let you end your 12 year tradition
在小屋里纪念你父亲的传统的 好吗
of celebrating your dad's life at the cabin, okay?
现在 我要去洗个澡
Now, I'm going to go shower.
我早上挺累的了 好吗 清理一下这些吧
I've had a morning, okayClean this up, please.
- 谢谢 - 好的 再见
- Thank you. - Okay, bye.
- 再见 我爱你 - 爱你
- Bye, I love you. - Love you.
哦 宝贝呃 我们得烧掉马克斯的毯子
Oh, hey, babeUh, we got to burn Max's blankie.
我再不拿出点威严他会不听我的话的
I can't afford to make another idle threat.
- 玩得开心 再见 -再见
- Have fun. Bye. - Bye.
别喝太醉了
Don't get too drunk.
- 我会的 - 好的
- I will! - Okay.
去吧...走吧
There... there you go.
你到底想要什么 老兄这才早上10:00
What the hell do you want, manIt's like 10:00 in the morning.
是的 伙计 这不算早 蒂姆在吗
Yeah, man, that's not early, so is Tim around?
-蒂姆 居民蒂姆 -是的
- Tim, resident Tim- Yeah.
是的 没有人来找过蒂姆
Yeah, nobody comes in just to see Tim.
不是没有人 是从来没有
Not nobody, not no how.
是的 老兄 我是他的哥哥
Yeah, man, I'm his older brother, so.
哦 兄弟 你为什么不早说 进来
Oh, bro, why didn't you say soCome on in.
这是蒂姆总统的海报上的那个家伙
This guy from the President Tim poster.
嘿 老兄 我看到了你妻子的照片
Hey, man, I saw a picture of your wife.
- 是么 -是的 就在那
- Did you- Yeah, it's right there.
关于蒂姆的五件事 我不喜欢邋遢 我体脂率为0 男孩们都想成为我 女孩们都想和我约会 我的嫂子非常好看
这实际上是你和你妻子的照片
It's actually a picture of you and your wife.
没有一天 我不后悔
Not a day goes by that I don't regret
让那个小家伙离开我
letting that little one off the hook.
我 我不知道你的意思 什么
I, I don't know what you mean, what?
我和凯蒂
Me and Katie,
我们...有过一段
we were a... a thing.
好吧 那这个呢
All right, what about this?
让我们开始吧
Let's get the starty parted!
埃里克·布林克霍夫
Eric Brinkerhoff?
正是在下
In the flesh.
凯蒂·贝克嫁给了我
Katie Baker is married... to me.
-蒂姆 - 亚当
- Tim. - Adam!
-兄弟 -兄弟
- Bro! - Broski.
-贤弟 -大锅
- Broski- Brocahontas.
-熊弟 -熏弟
- Brocapontas. - Brontosaurus.
-雄...弟儿 -兄兄兄弟儿
- Brohannesburg. - Bone browth.
-兄那个弟 -亲爱的兄弟儿
- Saxobrone. - Dearly bebrothed.
-小兄弟 -大胸弟
- Broner. - Potato potahbro.
-兄那个巴子的弟 -熊弟儿
- Bronze Julius. - Broreos and milk.
兄弟 兄弟 兄弟
Brone, brone, brone, brone
兄弟 兄弟 兄弟
Brone, brone, brone
兄弟 兄弟
Brone, Brone
兄弟 兄弟 兄弟
Brone, Brone, Brone
-怎么了 伙计 -昨晚你没参加聚会吗
- What's up, dude- Did you skip the party last night?
嗯 我并没有很生气的
Uh, I wasn't really in the mood to rage,
但是我看到这里的那些女士们
but I saw the ladies in here and wowza,
我装了有12包垃圾 然后闲逛了一下
so I kept it to a 12-pack and hung around for a bit
履行下我的总统职责
to fulfill my presidential duties,
来照顾这些小伙子
look after these fine lads.
我去卡车里等你
I'm going to go wait in the truck.
酷 嗯 那让我洗个澡 然后我们就走 好吗
Cool, uh, let me grab a quick rinse, then we'll head, okay?
-男子汉营地 -男子汉营地
- Man Camp! - Man Camp!
那么 凯蒂现在独守空房么
So, uh, is Katie staying home alone?
嘿 为什么不等我们到那里时你再冲洗呢
Hey bud, why don't you rinse off when we get there?
我要离开这里
I'm going to get out of here.
所以 你很快就要毕业了吗
So you, uh, planning on graduating anytime soon?
还是你只是想混着日子
Or are you just going to kind of hang out, become the next-door
-整天意淫人家的照片吗 - 拜托 伙计
- dude perving on people's family pictures- Come on, dude.
你是什么意思呢 那个家伙欺骗凯蒂
What do you mean "come on?" That guy was fricking perving on Katie.
每个人都想意淫凯蒂 伙计 这就是生活的循环
Everyone pervs on Katie, dude, it's the circle of life.
每个...那么你也在意淫凯蒂 你也这么做吗
Every... so you perv on Katie, that's something you do?
她去年才生完孩子 所以显然最近没有了
She had, like, a baby last year, so obviously not lately,
老兄那太可怕了
that'd be pretty messed up, dude.
此外 她是我的家人
Besides, she family's on me.
-喝酒么 - 我在开车
- Brewski- I'm driving.
-对哈 -我不知道 伙计
- Right, stick shift. - I don't know, man.
所有这些聚会 酗酒
All this partying, drinking nonstop,
每个星期都换不同的女孩
different girl every week.
你是时候得长大了
At some point you're going to have to grow up.
什么 这样我就像你一样了
What, so I can get it together like you?
老婆 孩子 每月卖两辆车 开始为纳税和其他一些烦心事而烦恼么
Get a wife, kid, sell like two cars a month, pay taxes and shit?
这种感受一定很孤独吧
It must be pretty lonely on the top of that mountain.
你不纳税吗
You don't pay taxes?
爸爸 我也不知道 让我咨询下我的会计师
I don't know, Dad, let me check with my accountant.
你好 斯坦伯格先生的办公室
Hello, Mr. Steinberg's office.
-是的 我等等 -老兄 别傻了
- Yeah, I'll hold. - Dude, don't be a dick.
别装了 伙计这tm根本不是电话 兄弟
Fake out, dude! It's not even a real phone, bro.
妈妈告诉我你就是个意外
Mom told me you were an accident.
好吧 嗯 生活 嗯...
Well, um, life, uh...
总会找到出路的
Finds a way.
家
妈妈
Mom?
妈 我们回来了
Mom, we're home!
我没有看到凯文的滑板车啊
I don't see Kevin's GoPed.
他住在车库里 对吧
He's living in the garage, right?
嘿 小凯 兄弟
Hey, Kev, bud?
小凯
Kev?
大家都哪去了
Where the hell is everybody?
勇敢的战士比尔
Brave warrior Bill,
你必须去紫禁山
you must journey to the Forbidden Mountain
从黑暗魔王的阴影中拯救我的父亲
and save my father from the shadows of the Dark Lord.
我会的 夫人
I will, my lady, and when I return.
当我回来时 我会向你求婚
I shall ask for your hand in marriage
到那时 你将获得真正的回报
And at that time you shall have your true reward.
卡巴扎杜伊的强大之斧啊
The Mighty Ax of Kabazaduil.
兄弟 醒醒 笨蛋
Bro, wake up dipshit!
我的女士
My lady?
-凯文 我是蒂姆 -蒂姆
- Kevin, hello, it's Tim! - Tim?
-他吸毒了吗 -让我们试一下他听得懂的话
- Is he on drugs or something- Let's try his, that language that he knows.
我其实不懂语言 我也不知道
I don't actually know the language, I don't actually know.
凯文 凯文 醒醒
Kevin, Kevin, wake up.
他的画技一点都没有进步
He hasn't gotten any better at drawing.
凯文 醒醒 伙计 嘿 小凯
Kevin, wake up, dude. Hey, Kev.
嘿 兄弟们
Hey, bros.
那...那个...什...什么风把你们给吹来了
I... To what do I... I owe this... prestigious pleasure?
老兄 这是男子汉营地周
It's Man Camp week, dude.
是男子汉营地 ...这是男子汉营地周吗
It's Man Camp... it's Man Camp weekend?
当然 嗯 是的 我当然 当然知道
Sure, uh, sure, yeah. Totes, totes knew that.
妈妈在吗
Yeah, is... is Mom around?
其实 妈妈...妈那个 让我检查一下计划表
Actually, mom... Mom is, uh, let me check the planner.
哦 她说
Oh, she said...
嗯 是的 看 公司休假去了
Um, yes. See, a work retreat.
休假
A work retreat?
恩 是的 差不多是公司团建的那种
Uh, yeah, something about team building exercises.
对于自己拥有的业务
For her business that she owns herself,
她没有员工吗
and she doesn't have any employees?
嗯
Mm-hmm.
她一点也不担心
She wasn't worried at all
想在我们去小屋的路上错过我们吗
about missing us on her way up to the cabin?
是的 很好 我确定我们回来时她会在这里 所以
Yeah, well, I'm sure she'll be here when we get back, so
我们会见到她然后打个招呼的
we'll see her then to say hi.
那么 怎么样
So, how is it man?
东西都搬回家里了 是吧 还好吗
All moved in back at home, is it, uh, pretty nice?
好极了
Epic.
-是吗 -是的 太好了
- Yeah- Yeah, it's sweet.
嗯 除了那
Um, you know, other than that
我现在在大学里混的风生水起
I'm just killing it at college right now.
我的五年计划
Five year plan.
我还以为 网上大学
I thought, uh, online college
不到两年就能毕业呢
was like a less than two year kind of thing.
是的 如果你的智力较差 只想要一个学位
Yeah, if you're intellectually inferior and only want one degree.
我已经有四个了 我有了哲学
I have four already, so we got philosophy,
天体物理学 量子力学和家庭经济学的学位
astrophysics, quantum mechanics, and home economics.
哇 ...是妈妈付款还是
Wow, is... is Mom paying or?
别说了 嗯 她会报销的
I'm going to stop you there. Uh, she will be reimbursed.
所以 这就是五年计划的全部内容
It's all part of, you know, five year plan, so.
那你有工作了吗
You got a job then or?
是的 实际上我已经开始自己的生意 配送
Yeah, I started my own business actually, distribution.
配送什么啊
Of what?
就像啤酒 葡萄酒和烈酒一样
Uh, just like, beer, wine, spirits.
哦 你的酒卖给谁
Oh, you're a liquor rep for, uh, for who?
自己买不到的人 例如他们可能太年轻
People that can't get it themselves, like they're either too young
或者不够老
or not old enough,
或者多数情况下
or in a lot of cases
他们出生的比自己期望的要晚一点
they're just born later than they should've been.
凯文 这是非法的 兄弟
Kevin, that's illegal, bud.
宪法里面怎么说的呢
Where does it say that in the Constitution?
因为这是美国 我也是美国人 所以
Because this is America and last I checked I'm American, so.
你是在向孩子们卖酒 凯文
You're selling alcohol to children, Kevin.
好吧 他们看起来就像成年人
Well, they identify as adults,
所以 天呐 这并不敏感
so, jeez, that's insensitive.
嘿 这个人不是因为经营非法什么的
Hey, isn't this guy in jail for running an illegal cat
而入狱的吗
fighting ring or something?
猫
Cats?
不 实际上是兔子
No, rabbits actually.
这是可以获得更高的净收入的方式
It's way higher net revenue.
蒂姆
Tim?
我去 是克里斯蒂 快把我藏起来
Shit, it's Christy Borders, hide me.
蒂姆 是你吗 嘿 伙计们 我们好久没见了
Tim, is that youHey, guys, it's been, like, forever.
蒂姆 你们看起来都长大了
Tim, you look all grown up.
怎么回事 嘿 克里斯蒂 我们 嗯 我们正要走了 所以
What's upHey, Christy, we, uh, we were just about to leave, so.
哦 你们是要去... 你们的小男孩营地
Oh, yeahWhere are you guys... oh, your little Min Camp.
-那是男子汉营地 -她真的很烦
- It's called Man Camp. - She's the worst.
嗯 蒂姆 我最近正在清理壁橱
Uh, you know, Tim, I was cleaning out my closet recently,
然后 发现你写给我的那首情诗 你还记得吗
and, uh, found that love poem you wrote me. Do you remember?
- 不 -哦 拜托 你确实那么做过
- Nope. - Oh, come on, yeah, you do.
你是八年级写给我的 邀请我参加毕业舞会
You wrote it in eighth grade to ask me to prom,
你还取了个名字 “性感诗”
and you titled it, like, "Sexy Poem."
听起来像是假诗
It sounds like a fake poem.
好吧 这是真的 我还找到了 嗯...
Well, it's real and I found it, um...
其实还是有点后悔我没有说愿意 特别是看到你现在这样
kind of bummed I didn't say yes seeing as how you grew up.
好吧 嗯 你没有那样做 我还以为你觉得那很烂
Well, uh, you didn't so, sucks for you I guess.
是的 嗯 希望你们能喜欢自己的“ 男子汉营地”
Yeah, um, well, you guys enjoy your "Man Camp."
再见 蒂姆
Bye, Tim.
克里斯蒂 很高兴见到你
Really nice to see you, Christy.
老兄 你和她到底什么关系
What's your deal with her, dude?
我们小时候 你曾经迷恋她
You used to be obsessed with her when we were kids.
现在 你实际上还是 你为什么要这么抗拒
Now you actually have a shot, and you're being a total douche.
你看到她的假牙了么 她现在完全不在我的考虑范围
Well, now she has wooden teeth, okayHard pass.
来吧 走吧
Come on, let's go.
冰块 放进去
The ice, put it in.
你们看到她对我调情的样子吗
Did you guys see the way she was flirting with me?
汽车小酒馆（老爸的最爱）
好 先生们 在如此美好的晨后
What can I get you fine gentlemen
我能为你们做点什么呢
this glorious post morning?
晨后
Post.
嗯 山姆在哪里 他一直都在这的
Uh, where's SamHe's never not here.
嗯 是的 我们的老板目前有点不舒服
Ah, yes, our proprietor is currently indisposed.
他让你负责吗
And he left you in charge?
他们叫我库尔特
They call me Kurt.
我得去撒个尿
I got to take a piss.
很好 恩 库尔特 请给我们四个波旁威士忌
Great, uh, Kurt, can we just get four bourbons, please.
酒加冰处理后的那种
Straight up.
你不会喜欢那个的 请容许我的冒昧
You don't want that. Allow me to delight your senses
尝尝我的独创
with my self-authored specialty.
我亲手制作的手工苦酒
Including handcrafted bitters, which I crafted myself, with my hands.
嗯 是的 不 不用了 请给我四个波旁威士忌
Uh, yeah, no, no specials, just the four bourbons, please.
实际上 这听起来不错 我想试试 免费 对吧
Actually that sounds delightful, I'll try one of those. On the house.
凯文 这可是老规矩
Kevin, it's tradition.
四个波旁威士忌 别无其他
Four bourbons, nothing else.
而且你也不能免费订购东西
And you can't order things on the house.
特别是把这个算在库尔特头上
One Kurt Special on the house.
这很美味
It's delicious.
好吧 你知道吗
Okay, you know what?
请给我四个波旁威士忌
Just the four bourbons, please.
冰块的那种 不要其他的
Straight up, nothing else.
我不知道这个地方发生了什么 但我不喜欢
I don't know what's happening to this place, but I don't like it.
-威士忌明胶 -哦 拜托
- Whiskey au gelatin. - Oh, come on.
-就像果冻一样 - 随你吧 嗯...
- It's Jello shots. - Whatever. Um...
敬老爹
To Dad.
敬老爹
To Dad.
真的
Really?
-我们不会为此付钱的 - 你应该为自己感到羞耻
- We're not paying for this. - You should be ashamed of yourself.
哥们营地
我们开始吧
Let's do this.
我仍然可以感觉到他在这里 你知道吗
I can still feel him up here, you know?
我也是
Me too.
也有可能是海拔原因 但是我很确定是爸爸
Or the altitude, but I'm pretty sure it's Dad.
鬼故事讲够了 男孩们
Enough with the ghost stories, boys.
这些啤酒不会自己喝掉
These beers aren't going to drink themselves.
妈妈
Mom?
妈妈
Mom!
妈妈
Mom!
亚当 天哪
Adam, oh, my God!
你为什么裸着
Why are you naked?
妈妈 你不应该裸着的
You should never be nude, Mom.
蒂米 我不是赤裸裸的
Timmy, I am not naked.
哦 妈 你的团建进展如何
Oh, hey, Mom. How's the work retreat going?
哦 不 凯文
Oh, no, Kevin!
-你们都在这做什么 - 你在这里做什么
- What are you all even doing up here- What are you doing here?
这是男子汉营地周
It's Man Camp week.
是这个周末吗
It's this weekend?
-是的- 妈的
- Yeah. - Oh, shit!
好吧 我会 呃...我会把我的东西收起来
Okay, fine, I'll, uh... I'll just gather my things up.
我忘了这个...
I forgot that it was this...
有时候女人也需要一些特殊的时间
Sometimes a woman just needs some special time
-独自一个人去...-哦 天哪 妈妈 不
- alone to herself to... - Oh, God, Mom, no!
恶心 不要解释
Gross! No explanation necessary, please.
亚当 别那么卑鄙
Don't be such a little bitch, Adam.
很有必要解释
Explanation fully necessary.
那么 你自己就是在这里度过特别的时光吗
So, you're just here by yourself having special time then?
是的 是的
Yes, yes.
我听说有几块木头
I hear there's a few logs
等着我来劈呢
that need to be split in this here woods.
我 嗯 我在找一些木头
I was just, uh, getting some wood.
不 我 很高兴见到你们
No, I, it's so nice to actually meet you guys.
嗨
Hi!
你一定是...哦
You must be... Oh.
-蒂姆 -我们可以谈谈
- Tim. - We can talk this through.
蒂姆 蒂姆
Tim. Tim.
-先生 ...-不 不 不 我 我们应该...
- Mister, g... - No, no, no, I, we should...
蒂姆 蒂姆 蒂姆
Tim, Tim, Tim!
走 抓住他 跑
Go! Grab him! Run!
- 停下来 - 跑
- Stop it! - Run!
蒂姆 不要那么做
Tim! Stop that!
停下来
Stop it!
-嗯 -嘘
- Um... - Shh!
要不...按顺序自我介绍下
Maybe... some introductions are in order.
好吧 这是个好主意 凯文
Well, now that's a great idea, Kevin.
好吧 我是艾伦
Okay, I'm Alan.
呃 伙计们 伙计们 放松一下 冷静 兄弟
Uh, guys, guys, relax, just chill, bros.
嗯 你知道 也许我可以 你介意我...
Um, you know, maybe I can, do you mind if I?
我...我想我可以解释这里发生的事情
I... I think I can explain what's going on here.
妈妈和艾伦是朋友...
Mom and Alan are friends...
艾伦在这一起团建 显然他们是同事
who apparently work together since Alan is here on the work retreat.
-不是什么团建 -这里没事
- It's not a work retreat. - Nothing going on here.
只是同事而已
It's just, it's just two work friends
做同事该做的 你知道吗
doing what work friends do, you know?
一起骑车上班 一起看电影
Riding work bikes and going to the movies for work,
或去高档餐厅工作
or going to fancy work restaurants.
你知道 还是工作过夜
You know, or having work sleepovers.
-你知道 还有夜间工作摔跤比赛 -凯文
- You know, or all night work wrestling matches. - Kevin.
就是工作
It's just work.
哥们 你认识这个人吗
Dude, you know this guy?
-谁 艾伦 -是的
- Who, Alan- Yeah!
嗯 当然咯 怎么了 艾伦
Yeah, of course. What's up, Alan?
妈妈 这到底是怎么回事
Mom, what the hell is going on here?
男孩们 听着
Boys, look.
我一直想和你谈一下
I've been wanting to talk to you for a while.
我在和他约会
I've met someone.
约会到底是什么意思
What the hell do you mean you've met someone?
好吧 蒂姆 是吗
Well, Tim, is it?
当一个男人爱上一个女人...
When a man loves a woman...
我知道男人爱女人会发生什么
I know exactly what happens when a man loves a woman,
而且希望这最好不要
and it sure as hell better not be happening
超越婚姻的界限
outside the boundaries of holy matrimony!
现在 蒂姆 我想你知道我们的愿景
Now, Tim, I think you need to see the whole picture here.
整个愿景
Whole picture?
这不仅仅是物理上的事情
This isn't just about physical stuff going on,
相信我 这不可阻挡
and believe me, that is going on.
我想说的是
I think what I'm trying to say
有时候故事还有更多 好吗
is that sometimes there's more to the story, okay?
还有什么故事 艾伦
And what more to story is there, Alan?
没事没事
It... There's nothing. It... It's nothing.
-他想说的是 -不 不 亲爱的
- What he's trying to say... - No, no, honey.
祝福你 但我知道我要说的
Bless you, but I know what I'm trying to say.
我希望你们都知道我是一个善意的人
I want you boys to know that I'm a man of good intentions,
我认为如果你们明白
and I think that if you boys understand
这跟你妈妈和我在一起
where this is going with your Mom and I,
我们可以解决整个问题
we can smooth this whole thing over.
会怎么样
Where things are going?
太好了 听起来你正在计划一场婚礼
That's... That's great, it sounds like you're planning a wedding.
妈的
Oh, shit.
你想让我说什么
What do you want me to say?
好吧 好吧 我猜
Okay, okay, so I guess...
我想我们对这一切的想法仅仅是
I guess whatever we think about all this is just,
谁会在乎我们的想法呢 哇
who gives a shit what we think about it. Wow.
年轻人 我要告诉你
I've got news for you, young man.
我今年54岁 我能为
I am 54 years old and I think I am perfectly capable
我自己做决定
of making a decision by myself,
如果你认为我们该先提醒你
and if you think you should've been included in that decision,
好吧 对不起 我 但是我爱这个男人
well, I'm sorry, I am, but I love this man.
-我也爱你-现在别这样 宝贝
- I love you too, Ther. - Not now, babe.
我爱他 我想等着和你们一起讨论
I love him and I wanted to wait to discuss it with you boys
直到我看到这很严重
until I saw that it was serious.
我无法想象我为什么这么紧张
I can't imagine why I was so nervous,
因为你们显然也有能力
because you also clearly have the ability
像成年人一样处理事情
to handle things like mature adults.
如果我听到你再用这种语言和我说话
And if I hear you talk to me in that language again,
我要用漂白剂洗你的嘴吧
I'm going to wash your mouth out with bleach,
- 你明白了吗 -我是个成年人了
- do you understand- I'm a grown ass man.
天哪 妈妈 妈妈
God, okay, Mom, Mom!
好的 老兄
Okay, jeez.
那么 这就是你一直想要的吗
So, this is what you wanted all along?
你以前被爸爸困住了吗
You just got stuck with Dad?
你怎么敢这么说话
How dare you!
我们第一晚总是会吃点烤棉花糖 不是吗
We always have s'mores the first night, is that not?
喂 兄弟
Hey, brother.
你要我推你吗
You need a push?
我靠 你知道多久了 凯文
Judas! How long have you known about this, Kevin?
八个月半
phew, eight months and a half.
也许九个月
Maybe nine.
九个月 他们在做吗
Nine monthsAre they doing it?
做什么
Doing what?
那个 性交
It, sex, intercourse!
我不能肯定地说 但是 应该吧
I couldn't say for sure, but, yes, definitely.
你这可恶的人
You piece of human shit.
你为什么不告诉我们这是怎么回事
Why didn't you tell us this was going on?
因为妈妈看起来很幸福
Because Mom seemed happy.
我的意思是 这是自从这一切发生之后
I mean, the happiest I've ever seen her.
我见到她最开心的时候
You know, since everything happened.
而且我知道你们可能会没法接受 所以
And I knew you guys would just lose your minds, so.
-你不知道 老兄 -我知道 我知道
- You don't know that, dude. - I do, I do know that!
弗林神父 你在他身上植入毒品 因为你觉得
Father Flynn, you planted drugs on him because you thought
他在圣诞节前夜拥抱妈妈太久了
he hugged Mom for too long at Christmas Eve service.
他从没抱过我那么久
He's never hugged me that long.
艾伦是 他还不错
And Alan is, he's not that bad.
虽然他不会打棒球或修理卡车
You know, he can't play baseball or fix a truck,
或像爸爸一样玩恶作剧
or play pranks as good as Dad could,
但是你应该知道 他对我真的很好
but you know, he's been really nice to me.
是的 他可能没有爸爸那么有幽默感 对吗
Yeah, he probably doesn't have Dad's sense of humor, does he?
那么他可能心理上会有些脆弱 是吗
He's probably a little more emotionally fragile, yeah?
嗯 你知道 他确实向
Uh, well, you know, he did submit
《读者文摘》投稿了个园艺计划
this really thoughtful gardening plan to Reader's Digest.
凯文 上卡车
Kevin, get in the truck.
我们需要些补给
We're going to need supplies.
我很高兴 现在就是我对这个地方的最可怕的回忆
I am so glad that this is now my top memory of this place.
真的 我惊到了
Really, I'm thrilled about it.
天知道这里还发生了什么
God knows what else has been going on up here.
是的 亚当 我就是...
Right, Adam, and I'm just the town...
什么
What?
-自行车 -自行车
- Bicycle. - Bicycle?
每个人都骑我
Everyone goes for a ride on me.
哦 天哪 妈妈
Oh, gosh, Mom.
亲爱的 别这样
Sweetie, don't say that.
我给你泡了些洋甘菊 可以让你平静下来
I made you some chamomile to calm you down.
我也给你带一个
I'll get you one.
听着 妈妈
Listen, Mom.
我并不是说你是那么...放荡 好吗
I'm not saying that you're some kind of... whore, okay?
我只是 你必须了解这对我们来说很难
I'm just, you have to understand this is hard for us.
这个家伙可能是
This guy could be anybody for all we know.
他 他 他可能是连环杀手
He, he, he could be a serial killer.
他可能是一个强奸犯 他可能是性罪犯
He could be a rapist. He could be a registered sex offender.
-小心 很烫 -谢谢 但是我很确定我在
- Careful, it's hot. - Thanks, but I'm pretty sure I saw a guy
《猎捕恋童癖》中看到个家伙很像他
that looked a lot like him on To Catch a Predator.
我还有事情要做
I've got folding to do.
这些人还真就有
These people are out there.
-太烫了 - 告诉过你了
- Oh, that's hot. - Told you!
艾伦不是恋童癖 别傻了
Alan is not a predator, don't be silly!
对不起
You know, I am sorry.
妈妈 我不想让你后悔
I don't want you to be sorry, Mom.
我希望你能在意下我们的感受
I want you to act like you give a shit what we think.
嘿 嘿 先生 说话注意点 你妈妈已经提到过了
Hey, mister. Watch the language. Your mother already mentioned that.
哦 哦 好吧
Oh, oh, okay,
所以我不能在我爸的小屋里说“他妈的”
so I can't come to my Dad's cabin and say "shit",
但是你凭什么
but you're fully welcome to come here
可以在这不穿裤子 说着什么
with no freaking pants on and take care of quote,
“有没有木头需要我来劈 ”
"A log that needs splitting."
我都不知道那意味着什么 伙计
I don't even know what that means, man.
那就是种撩人的话啦
That was a flirtatious expression...
-我妈妈不是什么木头 -亲爱的 不要这样
- My mom is not a log! - Honey, please!
我知道这对你很难
I know this is hard on you.
你为什么认为我们一开始就不敢告诉你们
Why do you think we were afraid to tell you guys in the first place?
看看你们现在表现如何
Look how you boys are acting!
就像在这个房间里有两个你们父亲的克隆一样
It's like having two clones of your father in this room.
妈妈我们还是一家人
We're still a family, Mom.
即使爸爸走了
Even if Dad's gone.
是的 我们是
Yes, we are.
我还是一个有生命的人
And I'm still a person with a life,
我可以与他人分享
and I deserve to have someone to share it with.
我倾尽全力想要留住你的父亲
I'd give anything to have your father back.
但是这是不可能了
But that's not going to happen.
是时候让你们明白了
It's time you boys understood that.
我出去透透气
I need some air.
感谢你把我丢在这 我很感激
Thanks for sticking around to back me up. I appreciate it.
不用担心 一切都在控制之中
Don't worry about it, everything's under control.
不 不是 伙计 我受不了这个家伙了 他得走了
No, it's not, dude. I can't stand this guy, he needs to go.
我早就这觉得了 哥们
Way ahead of you, pal.
我可以帮你吗
Can I help you?
不 不 我能行
No, no, I've got it.
这该是我做的
This is kind of my thing.
妈妈 对不起
I'm so sorry, Mom.
- 你确定 -是的
- You are- Yeah.
你知道我 我总是太过分了
You know me, I always go overboard.
我的意思是 总是不太稳定
I mean, it's like zero to 60 in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
我爱你
I love you.
蒂米 你在搞什么鬼
What are you up to, Timmy?
我看起不像么
Am I upset?
是的 但这意味着我不希望你感到幸福
Yes, but does that mean that I don't want you to be happy
或者在你的生活中找到真爱么
and find some love in your life?
我是说 拜托
I mean, come on.
我又不是怪物
I'm not a monster.
让我们来弥补你
Let us make it up to you.
没关系 艾伦和我要走了
It's all right. Alan and I are going to go.
祝你们度过了一个愉快的周末
You guys have a great weekend
我们可以下次再谈
and we can talk about this another time.
现在没有时间了 好吗
There's no time like the present, okay?
现在 我们有个好主意
Now, the boys and I have a proposition,
而且我认为你也会觉得不错的
and I think you'll find it very appealing.
什么
What?
你周末回家 好吗
Well, you go home for the weekend, okay?
和你的女朋友一起出去玩 画个脚趾甲
Hang out with your girlfriends, paint your toenails,
看一些吉利女孩
watch a little Gilly Girls.
而且 嗯 艾伦和我们 我们男生就留在这
And, uh, we'll hang up here with Alan, just the boys.
好么 这真的是个好机会
Okay, just really get a real chance
我们可以真正了解下艾伦 男子汉营地加一
to really get to know the real Alan, Man Camp plus one.
真的
Really?
是的 是的
Yes, yes, yep.
完美 所以我们都同意
Perfect, so we're all in agreement.
-嗯 我不这么认为 - 什么
- Uh, I, I don't think so. - What?
-你的眼神不对劲 -什么眼神
- You have that look in your eye. - What look?
那种在烧掉邻居的棚子之前
The look that before you burned the neighbor's shed down,
或者你埋掉别人的猫就因为在夜里乱叫
or you buried their cat for meowing at night,
-哦 还有当你把布比老师困在休息室时 - 妈妈 妈妈
- oh, and when you booby trapped the teacher's lounge. - Mom, Mom!
就是那个表情
That look.
妈妈 那是老蒂姆了 好吗 现在是新的蒂姆
Mom, that was old Tim, okayThis is new Tim.
太好了 亲爱的 但是 嗯 艾伦还有些工作要做
That's sweet, honey, but, um, Alan has some work
他还得回去
that he's just got to get back to.
亲爱的 不 不 不 我可以重新安排时间
Honey, no, no, no. I can reschedule that.
是的 老实说 我认为这是个好主意
Yeah, you know, honestly, I think this is a great idea.
没错 哥们
There you go, Al, buddy.
哦
Well. Oh!
你不会后悔的
You won't regret this.
嘿 嘿 嘿 我知道我们有点不愉快 好吗
Hey, hey, hey, I know we came on a little strong up there, okay?
- 就刚刚 -一点点
- At the top. - Just a little bit.
-为此 我深表歉意 -哦
- And for that, I apologize. - Oh.
小凯说你是一个正直的人 所以我选择相信我的兄弟
And Kev says you're a stand-up guy, so I trust my brother.
让我们试试这个
Let's try this again.
欢迎来到男子汉营地
Welcome to Man Camp.
好 谢谢新提姆
Well, thank you, New Tim.
我很感激 哦 太好了
I appreciate it. Oh, that's good.
-我很高兴有一个新的开始 -是的
- I'm glad to have a new start and hit to old reset button. - Yeah.
而且这可是专属于我们男人的时间
And just have a little man on man time.
- 那是什么 -噢 你知道 打破我们之间的障碍
- What's that- Oh, you know, break down some barriers.
小伙子和小伙子一起 我觉得这听起来很棒
Just get going guy on guy, I think it sounds amazing,
你知道吗
and you know what?
不用担心
You've got nothing to worry about,
因为我们要做的就是在这里
because all we're going to be doing up here
大家一起做些有意义的事情
is just a couple of guys taking it nice and deep.
我等不及了
I can't wait.
因此 我想我得下次再来“砍你的木头”了
So, I guess I'm going to have to split that log another time.
别这样
Stop!
好吧 这一切都会好起来的 没关系 相信我
Well, this is all going to be fine. It's going to be okay, trust me.
哦 我的小可可可爱
Oh, you poor, poor sweet man.
-哦 -好的 都准备好了
- Oh! - All right, all set.
好吧 嗯 我到家时会打给你 好吗
Okay, um, I'll call you when I get home, okay?
-哦 拜托 亲爱的 -开车注意安全 妈妈
- Oh, please do, sweetie. - Drive safe, Mom.
-晚上会很恐怖 -哦 哦 嘿 你们对他好点
- It's gonna be scary at night. - Oh, oh, hey, you guys be good to him.
他不太习惯这种情况 好吗
He's not used to these sort of situations, okay?
-妈妈 我们会照顾他的 -哦 天哪 我的宝贝们 哦
- We'll take care of him, Mom. - Okay, oh, my sweet boys. Oh.
- 好吧 -哦 好吧 好吧
- All right. - Oh, okay, okay.
-小心开车 妈妈 - 好的
- Drive safe, Mom. - Okay.
你不用担心
Don't you worry about a thing.
当我们从这座山上下来时
When we come down off of this mountain,
我们就会像葱姜蒜一样亲密
we're going to be like peas and carrots.
-宝贝 我爱你 -哦
- Aw, I love you, babe. - Oh.
-再见 -再见 妈妈
- Bye! - Bye, Mom.
-再见 妈妈 -再见
- Bye, Mom. - Bye!
好吧 男孩们 走吧 哦
Well, boys, here we go, ooh.
- 你好啊 朋友 -哦
- Hey, buddy. - Oh.
你准备好与男孩们共度美好时光吗
You ready to spend some quality time with the boys?
哦 耶
Oh, yeah.
我认为我的椎间盘刚刚破了
I just had a ruptured disc, I think.
哦 我的天 我能感觉到
Oh, my gosh, yeah, I can feel
那些碎片漂浮在我的背部皮肤里
those little pieces floating around in my back skin.
我不能呼吸了
I can't breathe really.
我想他说的是真的
I think he's telling the truth.
他的脸看起来很肥又紧
His face looks really fat and tight.
哦 不 他的脸就是这样
Oh, no, that's just what his face looks like.
-不 好的 - 好的
- No, okay, please. - Okay.
-哦 -艾伦 这只是给你个兄弟般的拥抱
- Oh. - Just a little brotherly wrestling with you, Alan.
这将是一个愉快的周末
It's going to be a good weekend up here.
我迫不及待地想和你一起去玩了
I can't wait to just hang out and see what you're all about.
好吧 等等 你在眨眼吗
Well, hang on, are you winking to them
这是暗示
to surreptitiously suggest
你不会和我过一个愉快的周末吗
that you're not going to have a good weekend with me?
别傻了 阿琉斯
Don't be silly, Alvis.
我的眼睛进了点东西
I've got something in my eye.
哦 你知道吗我认为你确实有些东西
You know whatI think you actually do have something in your eye.
-很好 凯文 -但是现在不是魔术的时间 凯文
- Oh, very good, Kevin! - Not the time for magic, Kevin.
嘿 凯文 我想我的眼睛里面也有个硬币
Hey, Kevin, I think I might have a quarter in my eye.
我看你的眼睛里面没有
I don't see anything in your eye.
也许我可以试试这里...哦
Maybe if I check into... oh!
哦 拜托
Oh, come on.
你听到我刚才说的吗 阿尔文
Did you hear what I just said, Alvin?
其实 我叫艾伦
Actually, it's Alan.
好的 爱丽丝
Sure thing, Alice.
知道了
Oh, I get it.
你喜欢和对方玩游戏 对吧
You like to give each other a little smack down, huh?
这有点像那种 我很了解
Kind of razz the bros, well, I totally dig that.
是的 我挺喜欢这个
Yeah, I dig it. I dig it with both shovels,
但我给你说
but I'll tell you something,
你最好注意点 因为四个人可以玩
you better watch out, because four can play that game.
就像 嘿 你这个小怪人
Like, hey, you little weirdo wankers.
小怪人
Buncha weirdo wankers.
别跟你妈妈说
Don't tell your mother I said that.
没事 现在没人能听到你的声音
It's a good thing no one can hear you way up here.
这里这么偏僻
Away from the modern world.
就算你喊破喉咙
You could scream your lungs out
也没有人听到你的声音 只有风和树木
and no one would hear you but the wind and the trees.
蒂姆 这有点威胁的意味
You know, Tim, that kind of came across as a threat.
想象下这个
The imagination on this one.
让我们给你找个地方
Let's get you situated.
嘿 还有其他地方可以选么
Hey, are there any more sleeping options?
因为我知道楼下还有卧室
Because I know there are bedrooms downstairs,
而且我想用便盆
and also I need to use the potty.
厕所在那边
Outhouse is over there.
晚安 熊宝宝
Goodnight, baby bear.
好吧 兄弟们 家庭破坏者被我塞进去了
All right, boys, homewrecker's all tucked in.
太好了 那有什么计划
Great, so what's the plan?
现在这家伙要在这和我们一起度过露营时间吗
Now this guy's staying up here for Man Camp?
爸爸不会高兴的 老兄
Dad would not be happy, dude.
显然爸爸会
Obviously Dad would be pissed
因为妈妈和那个人在一起而生气
about Mom knocking boots with Small Bunyan out there.
好吧 那个家伙很丑 很烂 甚至可能是种族主义者
Okay, that guy is ugly, weak as shit, and probably racist.
他...他在社区学院教授非裔美国人
He... He teaches African American Studies at the community college.
这是他的掩护 凯文
Classic racist cover-up, Kevin.
你回避了这个问题 伙计
You're avoiding the question, man.
你为什么要邀请他来这里
Why the hell did you invite him up here?
我们本来可以度过一个体面的周末的
We could've at least had a decent weekend,
但是现在这个人就在窗外
but now that's out the window.
兄弟 信任我
Bro, trust.
这个周末过后 你再也不必见到他了
After this weekend, you'll never have to see him again.
我给你...
I give you...
看看我的总体规划
the master plan.
妈妈现在正在回家的路上 充满信心
Mom's on her way home now, confident everything is cool.
现在 尽管她度过了一个愉快的小周末
Now, while she has a nice little weekend to herself,
让游戏开始吧
we keep that dong bag up here and let the games begin.
这个你做的
You made this?
是的 伙计 我不是幼儿园老师
Yeah, dude, I'm not a kindergartner.
我知道基本的制图学
I know basic cartography.
哦 那些是忍者的飞镖么
Oh, are those ninja stars?
手里剑 小说里面看到的
Shuriken, read the legend.
哦 嘿 那个家伙从悬崖上掉下来了
Oh, hey, that guy's falling off a cliff.
这个家伙着火了 我们要放火烧他么
This guy's just on fire. We're going to light him on fire?
你认为我是什么 精神病么
What do you think I am, a psychopath?
他会自己烧的
He'll be setting himself on fire,
如果你阅读图例 就会知道
which you would know if you read the legend.
哇 哇 哇 这个家伙着火了 应该是艾伦
Whoa, whoa, whoa. This guy on fire, that's supposed to be Alan?
-是的- 哦 不
- Yeah. - Oh, no.
嗯 不 对不起 蒂姆 我不要再效忠于你了
Uh-uh, no, I'm sorry, change of allegiance, Tim.
拜托 凯文 是的 我们没有折磨这个人
Thanks, Kevin, yeah, we're not torturing this guy.
但是谢谢你破坏了整个周末
But thank you for ruining this entire weekend
因为你那愚蠢的计划
because of your stupid little plan.
所以 你宁愿只是我们三个人在这里
So, you'd rather it just be the three of us up here?
当他在我们屋子里抚摸我们妈妈时 我们爸爸的妈妈
While he's down in our house touching our momDad's Mom?
兄弟 我不比你更喜欢这个人
Dude, I'm not a bigger fan of this guy than you are,
但我们需要一个切实的计划
but we need a real plan.
你表现得好像我画的这张如此
You're acting as if I didn't create
详尽的地图
an incredibly detailed map for that very purpose!
你知道这里有什么危险吗
Are you even aware of what's at stake here?
凯文 告诉他你告诉我的话
Kevin, tell him what you told me.
你的梦想成为唯一不可能实现的地方
The only place a dream becomes impossible
就是你自己的想法
is in your own mind.
关于妈妈和艾伦
About Mom and Alan.
哦 嗯 他们...彼此相爱
Oh, um, they... they love each other.
他们如何彼此相爱
And how do they love each other?
在床上
In the sheets.
谢谢
Thank you.
-好吧 -有时候在沙发上
- Well... - Sometimes on the couch.
凯文 明白了 把这几件事放在一起
Kevin, got it. Kind of put two and two together
当我们走进来 妈妈躺在熊皮地毯上
when we walked in on Mom spread eagle on the bearskin rug.
爸爸的熊皮地毯
Dad's bearskin rug.
爸爸妈妈的熊皮地毯
Dad's Mom's bearskin rug.
蒂姆 我想因为你
Tim, I'm not going to jail again
愚蠢的计划而坐牢 洗洗睡吧
for another one of your stupid little plans. Goodnight.
嘿 我开始有种感觉
Hey, I'm starting to get the feeling
你不在乎捍卫妈妈的荣誉
you don't care about defending Mom's honor.
-爸爸妈妈的荣幸 -好的 首先 爸爸的妈妈是奶奶
- Dad's Mom's honor. - Okay, first of all, Dad's mom is Grandma,
其次 是的 我绝对会在乎
and second, yes, I absolutely do care,
但是必须有更好的方法
but there has to be a better way.
就是这样 伙计 选择站哪一边
This is it, man. Pick a side.
我站在你这边 但是你现在这样的表现
I'm on your side, but this kind of childish shit
就是是妈妈不告诉我们这些
is the exact reason that Mom doesn't tell us
这些所有事情的原因
any of this stuff in the first place.
谢谢爸爸 谢谢你给我上的这一课
Thank you, Dad, for the lecture.
嘿 如果你看到我的兄弟 请告诉我
Hey, let me know if you see my brother around,
我需要他的帮助
I need his help with something.
-我就在这里 蒂姆 -不是你 凯文
- I'm right here, Tim. - Not you, Kevin.
我说的是丁格尔船长
I'm talking about Captain Dingle over here.
你知道吗 伙计 行吧
You know what, dudeFine.
你试试杀了他 看会有什么后果吧 好吗
You just kill a guy and see where that gets you, okay?
玩得开心
Have fun.
我没疯 好吧 伙计 我知道了
I'm not crazy, okay, dude. I get it.
你知道 也许将来有一天
You know, maybe one day in the future
妈妈要去找个男的或什么的 好吗
Mom's going to find some guy or something, okay?
我并不完全会反对这一点
I'm not totally opposed to that,
但是如果他不能通过一些关于男子气概的测试
but if he can't prove himself a worthy successor,
来证明自己
by a few tests of manhood,
那么 也许他不是对的人
then, you know, maybe he's not the right guy.
老兄 死亡不是对男儿气概的考验 他又不是耶稣
Death is not a test of manhood, dude. He's not Jesus.
他不能从死里复活
He can't rise from the dead.
甘道夫就可以
Gandalf did it.
甘道夫可以 我谢谢你 凯文
Gandalf did it, thank you, Kevin.
选啊 亚当 你来不来吗
Make a choice, Adam. Are you in or out?
选
Choose!
那是熊吗
Is that a bear?
熊坑
Bear pit.
传说
Legend.
我要睡了
I'm going to bed.
当我醒来时
And when I wake up,
最好丢掉你的想法
this little idea of yours better be gone.
好吧 亚当
All right, Adam.
你是领导 地图不要了
You're the leader, map's out.
是的 刚开始我就知道
Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it, bud.
这么大的蛇得南美才有
A snake this large would have to be flown in from South America.
-现在 我有一个... -给我
- Now, I have a guy but... - Give me that!
那是什么味道
What's that smell?
哦 我们的小懒虫起来了
Oh, I see we have a late riser on our hands.
亚当 下午好
Good almost afternoon to you, Adam.
什么...这是怎么回事
What's... what's going on here?
艾伦在为我们做早餐 素食煎蛋卷
Alan made us breakfast, cruelty-free veggie omelets.
-还有羽衣甘蓝之类的 -哦
- They've got kale and everything. - Oh.
就像噩梦变成现实一样
It's like a dream come true.
-你会喜欢的 -这很好吃 艾伦
- You're going to love it. - These are delicious, Alan.
亚当 要来点什么
Now, Adam, what'll it be?
你想来两个散养母鸡的蛋吗
Would you like a two cage-free free range egger
还是三个散养母鸡的蛋
or a three cage-free free range egger?
嗯 随便
Uh, whatever.
什么蛋
What egg-er?
我...我不知道
I just... I don't know.
我们刚刚告诉艾伦
We were just telling Alan
我们如何制定周末计划
how we're throwing out our plans for the weekend,
这样我们就可以彼此了解
so we can just get to know each other.
哦 太好了
Oh, great.
太好了 谢谢你 蒂姆 谢谢
That's great, thank you, Tim. Thank you.
你知道 我不想打扰 但我想知道
You know, I don't want to interrupt, but I just was wondering,
你们来这儿时通常做什么
what do you guys usually do when you're here?
我的意思是 你出去玩吗
I mean, do you just hang out?
还是就聊聊天 还是其他什么的
Do you just kind of shoot the crap, or what?
就是 一般男孩子玩的的东西
Just, you know, typical guy stuff.
我们 呃 我们生火
We, uh, we light stuff on fire.
喝点啤酒
We drink alcoholic beers.
还有 钓鱼 随便吧
You know, fish, whatever.
哦 那么 我得把那个去掉
Ooh, yikes, I'll definitely have to sit that one out,
因为我无法想象还有比这更残酷的事情
because I can't imagine anything crueler
你想 用钩子钩住你的嘴
than having a hook in your mouth.
我觉得 呃 哦
I mean, just, ugh, ow.
我 嗯 我尊重你对所有事物的
I, um, I respect your compassion
同情心 你也知道的
for all creatures on this earth, you know I do.
但是 嗯 你必须听我说
But, um, and you got to hear me on this.
鱼不是生物
Fish are not living things.
他们就像大海里的蔬菜 不用担心 艾伦
They are the vegetables of the sea. No worries, Alan.
不要钓鱼
Fishing's out.
不管我们的计划了
Our plans are out the window.
-我们想听听你的计划 -真的吗
- We want to hear about your plans. - Really?
你妈妈和我经常去看鸟
Your mother and I were going to do some birdwatching,
所以我们绝对也可以这么做 而且这也适合当下的时节
so we could definitely do that, and they're in season,
然后 哦 最重要的是 我们没有鸟
and then also, oh, this tops it. We not even bird.
我所有的剪贴簿材料都放在这里
I have all my scrapbooking stuff up here.
-剪贴簿 -嗯
- Scrapbooking- Mm-hmm.
亚当喜欢剪贴簿
Adam loves scrapbooking.
不会吧 你也喜欢吗
No way! Are you a scrapper?
- 嗯 -我感觉我们就像双胞胎
- Uh-huh. - I totally felt that, we're twinsies.
好吧 为什么你不来安排下呢
Well, tell you whatWhy don't you take the reins for today, huh?
-你觉得呢 亚当 -我在过去24小时内听到的最好的计划 蒂姆
- What do you say, Adam- Best plan I've heard in the past 24 hours, Tim.
哦 太好了
Oh, that's wonderful!
就是这样 我要面对挑战
This is it, I'm going to step up to the challenge.
好吧 有人要第二份吗
Okay, does anybody want seconds
因为还能再加一点
because we definitely have seconds?
那是一只鸟吗
Is that a bird out there?
-10:00之后我不吃早餐了 - 哦 好的 小凯
- I don't eat breakfast after 10:00. - Oh, okay. Kev?
拿一个吧
Pick one of those.
哦
Ooh!
- 哇 - 你喜欢它么
- Wow! - You like it?
给你
There you go.
你真没劲
不 你才没劲
实际上 你才没劲
嘿 嘿 嘿 ...
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
这是我七年级的写的日记 关于我的梦想
This is from my seventh grade dream diary,
嗯 “有一天我会交到朋友的 ”
and it's, uh, "One day I'll have friends."
好吧 伙计们 真棒队得三分
All right, guys, score is Team Awesome, three.
永远的朋友队得分为零
Team Friends Forever, zero.
好吧 凯夫 你来
All right, Kev, you're up.
哈哈
Ha ha!
开始
And go!
- 下巴 -是的
- Jaws. - Yes!
- 是的 是的 -哦
- Yes, yes! - Oh!
-是的 - 是的 拜托
- Yeah! - Yes, come on!
胡说
Bullshit!
-不可能 ...-什么 什么
- There's no way, there's... - What, what?
是的 你们要抓紧了啊 来吧
Yeah, you guys got some catching up to do, come on.
好吧 我完全有这种感觉
All right, I am totally feeling this.
你准备好了吗 伙计开始了
Are you ready, buddyHere we go.
来吧 我们正在磨合 我们现在心意相通 你准备好了吗
Come on, we're syncing up, we're all connected. Are you ready?
-是的-好的 我们开始吧
- Yep. - Okay, here we go.
财宝
Bompity bo!
哦 我知道这个 来吧 准备好了吗
Oh, I know this one. Here we go, ready?
开始
And... go.
猪 猪 猪尾巴
Pig, pig, pigtail.
猪尾 猪屌 猪屌 猪...
Pigtail, pig penis, pig penis, pig...
-长鸡鸡 -来吧 我不是穿过这里吗
- long penis. - Come on, am I not getting through here?
嘿 这部分你不能说话
Hey, you cannot talk in this part.
- 好吧 好吧 -拉链
- Okay, okay. - Zipper.
猪手 猪手 蛋糕
Pig hands, pig hands, pat-a-cake.
-时间 -哦 哦 哦 接近了
- And time. - Oh, oh, oh, it's so close!
-哦 是杂耍演员 我的错 - 杂耍演员
- Oh, it was Hambone. That was one of mine. - Hambone?
类别是电影 艾伦
The category was movies, Alan.
是的 我知道 我做到一半才想起
Yeah, I know I figured that out about halfway through.
好吧 我需要散散步
Okay, uh, I need to take a walk.
呃 呃 呃 不是那么快 先生
Uh, uh, uh, not so fast, mister.
那里有熊
There are bears out there.
-首先需要些防熊喷雾 -好
- You need some bear spray first. - Fine.
-你在做什么...你在做什么 -嗯...
- What are you... what are you doing- Well, it's...
基本上就像杀虫剂一样用
It's just basically like bug spray for bears.
- 不 不 不 -哦 不
- No, no, no! - Oh, no, oh, no!
你别动
Oh, you got to hold still.
好重的味道
Oh, that's heavy.
-蒂姆 -是吗
- Tim! - Yeah?
-我吞下去了 -凯文
- I swallowed it. - Kevin!
你们待在这里 我去求救
You guys stay here, I'm going to get help.
我很抱歉
I am so sorry.
他们告诉我 这可以赶熊
They told me that it would keep the bears away,
但是他们没有告诉我如何使用它
but they didn't tell me how to use it.
我绝对要写信投诉他们
I'm definitely writing them a letter.
你可以用这个来抢银行了
You can take that to the bank.
哦 有什么我能做的吗
Oh, is there anything that I can do?
你知道 他们告诉我 我头部按摩做得还不错
You know, they tell me that I do some pretty good head scratches.
来吧 把鸡蛋打在头上...
Here we go. Break an egg on your head...
...蛋黄流了下来
...and the yolk runs down.
给我点啤酒 伙计
Just get me a beer, bud.
你不觉得现在喝酒还太早吗
Don't you think it's a little early in the day for alcohol?
- 那是什么 -我认为现在喝酒还为时过早
- What's that- For alcohol, I think it's a little early.
我的意思是 我通常五点钟以后再喝
I mean, I'm generally like a after five o'clock boy,
但是你知道吗
but you know what?
我们都在这里 是在做男人该做的事情吧
We're all men here, doing guy stuff, right?
我正好有这个
I have just the thing.
哦 哦 伙计们 嗨起来吧
Oh, oh, you guys, wait for the party to explode.
等等 你很快就会感觉好多了的
Hang on, you're going to feel a whole lot better in a second.
这个我本来是为你妈妈准备的 我...
I was saving this for your mom and I...
...但是当猫离开时 老鼠就可以放心玩了
...but when the cat's away, the mice will play.
来吧
Here you go.
但是有些得说清楚
Now, some ground rules.
只要每个人都在合理的范围内这样做
As long as everybody does this within reason,
而且不做错事
and there's no bad decisions that are made.
- 当然 -我们也该尽量满足我们的本能
- Of course. - We take actions that honor our bodies,
我认为我们可以享受这些美好的时光的
I think that we can have ourselves a good old time in style.
有人想要一点棕色麻袋吗
Anybody up for a little brown sackin' it?
-棕色麻袋吗 -是的
- Brown sackin' it- Yeah.
瞧 就是这样 我们放松一下
See, this is what happens. We just kind of loosen up.
我们别管那么多了
We break down some walls.
谁想成为第一个尝试的人
Who wants to be the first to sip the sack?
来吧 别害羞
Come on, don't be shy.
准备好让他们的嘴巴来试试这个
Who's ready to put their lips to the old brownie?
布朗布朗
You know whatBrown me up.
天哪
My man!
对吧 伙计们
Right, guys?
来啊
Go to brown town.
凯文 我认为让最大的亚当
Now, Kevin, I think it's only fair that as eldest,
来享受这个是最公平的
the brownie would be Adam's birthright.
亚当
Adam?
亚当
Adam?
你想成为第一个
Do you want to be the first to take a big swallow
喝下一大口美酒的人么
from the old man pouch?
不要那么粗鲁 亚当
Don't be rude, Adam.
从令人垂涎酒袋里喝一口吧
Take a drink from Alan's mouthwatering old man pouch.
哦 我觉得亚当没有准备好
Oh, I don't Adam's ready for the old wrinkled wraparound.
这到底是什么 伙计混合的血腥玛丽
What the hell is this, manBloody Mary mix?
好吧 我说我们来为
Well, I say we toast.
这个敬一杯吧...
To man pouches...
还有快乐时光...
fun times...
- 没毛病 -先生 我会的
- no plans. - I, sir, will drink to that,
我还有一个
and I have another one.
也敬我们生活中的一位女士
This is one is to the ladies in our lives.
她当然是个好母亲
To a wonderful mother, of course.
她是一个很棒的女人 也是一个很棒的室友
She's a wonderful woman, wonderful roommate too.
还有蒂姆的未来妻子克里斯蒂
And to Tim's future wife, Christy Borders.
克里斯蒂那个女人
Christy Borders is a swamp woman
她玻璃眼 还铲子脸 不用了 谢谢
with a glass eye and a shovel face, no thanks.
而且我认为亚当家里有个漂亮的新娘
And I think Adam has a beautiful bride at home,
如果我没错的话 我还看过她的一些照片
if I'm not mistaken. I've seen some pictures of her.
哦 这是给你的 先生 向你致敬
Ooh, here's to you, good sir. Hat's off to you.
你知道什么有趣吗
You know what's funny though?
她看起来就像那位
She looks just like the young lady
我的塑身教练
that is our spin instructor over at Shapers,
我给你说
and I'll tell you something,
那个女人可火辣了
that woman is a little firecracker.
哦 如果我还年轻
Oh, if I were a younger man.
我一定会追她
I put the boots to her!
嘿 嘿 嘿
Knocking the boots, making the bacon.
不是女的才做塑形吗
Isn't Shapers just for women?
艾伦很可爱
Pretty sweet of Alan to notice
你妻子太有魅力了 不是吗
how attractive your wife is, isn't he?
哦 拜托 任何纯男人都会注意到这样的女人的
Come on. Any red-blooded man is going to notice a woman like that.
就是有点愤慨为什么他先把她追到了
You're just upset that he locked her down first.
敬凯蒂 来吧
Here's to Katie, come on.
-凯蒂 凯蒂 -凯蒂
- Katie, to Katie. - To Katie.
凯蒂 凯蒂 凯蒂
Katie, Katie, Katie!
是的
Yeah!
-不小心...-哦 我明白了
- Clumsy. Just... - Oh, I'll get it.
嗯 蒂姆 你 嗯
Uh, Tim, did you, um,
你不是有什么…计划或者今天想要做的事情吗
did you have like a plan or something that you wanted to do today?
我画好了些东西
I may have mapped something out.
是阿兰的各种死法的地图吗
Is that the map with all the dead Alans?
凯夫 你开什么玩笑
Kev, you joker!
恩 艾伦 我想我们今晚需要
Uh, Alan, I think we are going to need
-一些柴火 - 好的
- some firewood for tonight. - Okay.
我有一张地图 可以将我们带到最佳地点 你觉得呢
I've got a map that will take us to the best spot, what do you say?
是的 听起来不错
Yeah, sure, that sounds great.
高一点 兄弟
Just a little bit higher, bud!
好的都在上面 你做得很棒
The good one's at the top, you're doing great!
是么 好的
YeahOkay.
嘿 嗯 那这个呢
Hey, uh, what about, uh, what about this one?
不 不 那烧不了
No, no, that won't burn.
还在上面 这些不行
Up top, let's not make a thing out of this.
但这看起来可以
But this one's got, like, kindling on it.
还是要上面的才可以
Got to have that top wood, bud!
你改变主意的正是时候 伙计
About time you came around, man.
好戏马上开始
We were like ten minutes away from a show tunes review.
是的 伙计 你是对的 这个家伙必须要走
Yeah, man, you're right. This guy's got to go.
你知道 如果这张地图可以做到
And you know, if this map is the way to do it,
那么我认为值得一试
then I guess it's worth a shot.
听起来不错 凯夫 你加入吗
Sounds good to me. Kev, you in?
我一生致力于和平主义 那个
I've dedicated my life to pacifism, so.
太好了 凯夫要参加
Great, Kev's in.
我 但是我先说好 别弄出人命
I, I do draw the line at murder though.
棒
Sweet.
我举了几根手指
How many fingers am I holding up?
三个吗 好的 你会没事的
ThreeGood job. You're going to be fine.
我还在往下落吗
Am I still falling?
黑暗的邪恶已经唤醒 你需要逃离这个地方
A dark evil has awakened. You need to flee this place.
谁说的 这只不过是小问题啦
Oh, nonsense, it's just a scratch.
嘿 凯夫 帮我个忙
Hey, KevDo me a favor,
我还带了这么多的柴火下来
there's a lot of good wood that came down with me.
到处都是
It's all over there in the woods.
帮我拿起来一下
Just, just pick it up, would you?
所以 嗯 你曾经生过火吗
So, uh, Al, you ever start a fire before?
没有 保密哈 蒂姆 你妈妈和我...
No. Confidentiality, Tim, your mother and I...
-太好了 伙计 嘿 小凯 -怎么了
- That's great, man. Hey, Kev. - Yeah?
你过来 给艾伦说说
Why don't you come over here and
咱们男子汉营地怎么生火
show Alan how to start a Man Camp fire.
没问题
Oh, sure.
你拿上这个 呃 这叫做火石
You take, uh, this is called a flint.
然后 拿起火镰 继续这样
And you take, uh, the back of a knife and just get going.
哦 很好 你可以打出一些火花
Oh, that's good, you're getting some sparks.
真的有火花
Really getting some sparks there.
哦 让我来 我想我可以做到 谢谢
Oh, let me, I think I can do that. Thank you.
-是的 -来吧 哥们
- Yes! - There you go, bud.
现在 你可以看到火花
Now you got a spark going there.
-哦 -好吧
- Oh! - All right, Al.
知道了 就像鞭炮
You got it, you're like a firecracker.
-过来 伙计 试一试 - 我
- Al, come on over, man. Try it on the pile. - Me?
-是的 你很好 -让我近点
- Yeah, you're good. - Let me get in close.
我想我看到了魔鬼
I think I saw Satan.
-哦 -是的
- Oh! - Yes!
-哦 -对你来说有点多了
- Oh. - A little much for you there, Al?
噢 不 啤酒不对劲
Ew, no, there beer is not right.
哪里出问题了
There's something wrong there.
- 芦笋的味道 -蒂姆
- Asparagus. - Timbo?
蒂宝 该你了 伙计 我玩的太好了
Timbo, it's your shot, I'm killing it out here, man.
-蒂姆 -蒂姆
- Tim- Tim!
蒂姆
Tim?
蒂姆 蒂姆 该我们了 兄弟
Your pound, Tim. It's our shot, bud. Bud?
蒂姆
Tim?
蒂姆
Tim?
嘘 嘘 嘘 是我 是我
Shh, shh, shh. It's me, it's me.
-你脸上涂灰了吗 - 什么
- Are you in blackface- What?
不 这是海军的海豹迷彩涂料 别那么菜鸟
No, it's Navy Seal camo paint, don't be such a noob.
- 你在做什么 -为下一步计划部署
- What are you doing- Going commando for this next phase.
那你弄成这样干吗
What does that have to do with anything?
只是把艾伦带到小溪
Just get Alan out about 15 yards
旁边15码的树林
into the woods towards the creek.
- 好的 - 好的
- Okay. - Okay.
嘿 嗯
Hey, um, d
你在杯子里撒尿了吗
id you pee in one of the cups?
我撒了所有的杯子
I peed in all the cups.
这是我的招牌动作 每个人都输了
It's my signature move. Everybody loses.
-你翻了四 -不
- You rolled a four. - No!
我的意思是说一个严重的失败
I mean, talk about a critical fail.
因此 他陷入了结界
So he garrisoned on an enchantment.
没错没错
Exactly! Exactly!
- 难以置信 - 难以置信
- That's unbelievable! - Unbelievable!
你 甚至不用担心
You, don't even worry about it,
因为我们在聊地下城与勇士
because we're just rapping some D&D here.
-他不知道 -你不知道
- He don't know. - You don't know.
你们在一起打团吗
You guys having, like, a fellowship together?
-是的 不是 这比公会更像是行会 -是的
- Yes, and no, it's more of a guild than a fellowship. - Yeah!
艾伦 那个 我要你下山去小溪那边
Alan, actually uh, I need you to go down um, to the creek
去小河边拿些东西
to um, get something from the creek.
什么 这是秘密吗
What, is it a secret?
呃 打些水...水
Uh, water... water.
明天做早餐要用
For breakfast tomorrow.
-但是我们不能用水槽里的吗 -不可以喝
- But can't we just use the sink- It's not potable.
听着 艾伦 我们在这还有事要做
Listen, Alan, we all got to pull our weight around here.
你能去那里吗
Can you just head down there and get that?
我会不负期望 把东西带回来的
I will be back before you can say prestidigitation.
哎呀
Whoops!
这条小河挤满了贾第虫
The, the creek, it's swarming with Giardia.
是的 有可能
Yeah, probably.
低 中 高 满
Low, medium, high, full.
你来啦 哥们
There you are, buddy.
- 我们在做什么 -嘘 看就好
- What are we doing- Shh! Watching.
去拿点水 对我来说轻而易举
Go get some water, I can do that easy enough,
只要我找到小河
as soon as I find the creek.
-专业强度电化动物围栏 -你来啦
- "Professional Strength Electrified Animal Fence." - There you go.
来吧 继续走
There you go, keep walking.
所以 我想每个人都应该尽自己的一份力量
So, I guess everybody's got to do their share.
每个人都必须承担起自己的责任
Everybody's got to carry their weight.
他是什么意思
What did he mean by that?
对我来说 这听起来像是个胖子
It sounded like kind of a fat crack to me.
就在我的小...
Right into my little...
他在做什么
What's he doing?
该死 他在撒尿
Dammit, he's taking a piss.
嘿 你确定这是安全的吗
Hey, are you sure this is safe?
艾伦
Alan!
妈的
Oh, shit!
老兄 老兄
Dude, dude!
该死
Sick.
- 发生了什么 -我不知道 凯文
- What happened- I don't know, Kevin.
-艾伦 - 什么
- Alan- What?
-艾伦 你还好吗 - 哦 我的上帝
- Alan, are you okay- Oh, my God.
-他还好吗 -我不知道 凯文
- Is he okay- I don't know, Kevin!
妈 该上学了吗
Mom, is it time for school?
让他去沙发上
Let's get him to the couch.
艾伦 嘿 你还好吧 哥们
Alan, hey, you okay, bud?
- 什么 什么 -你还好吗
- What, what- Are you going to be all right?
-谁 我 -是的
- Who, me- Yeah.
哦 不 我是说 不 我很好
Oh, no, I mean, no, I'm fine.
嘿 伙计们 我错过什么了吗 哇 你怎么了
Hey, guys, what'd I missWoof, what happened to you?
哦 我不知道
Oh, I don't know.
我只是在放松一下
I just relieving myself,
然后我听到凯文在叫我 然后
and then I heard Kevin calling me over, and then
我感受到一股强大的能量
from out of nowhere this surge of,
从我的小鸡鸡涌了进来
this surge of energy entered from my, my penis.
然后我整个身体都被震到了
And then it just electrified my entire body.
我们没有问你第一次看到海豚跳跃时发生了什么
We didn't ask what happened the first time you saw a dolphin jump.
外面怎么回事
What happened outside?
-你会没事的 艾伦 - 我不知道
- Are you going to be all right, Alan- I don't know.
我是说 我想是 我只是不知道发生了什么
I mean, I think so, I just, I don't know what happened.
可能是热闪电
Heat lightning probably.
你的尿液可能铁含量比较高
You must have some extremely high iron levels in your piss.
一定吸引了
Must've attracted a bolt.
这很奇怪 因为在我的研究中
That's weird, because in my research,
尿液是不好的导体
urine was always a poor conductor.
你知道吗 艾伦 让我们上床睡觉吧
You know what, AlanLet's, uh, let's get you to bed, come on.
好吧 我必须去帐篷里吗
Okay, do I have to go in the tent?
是的
yeah, yeah.
哦 好吧 那很公平
Oh, okay, well, that's only fair.
嘿 你们可以帮我拉上拉链吗
Hey, could one of you guys zip me up?
计划1完成 做得好 男孩们
A-1 in the books, nice work, boys.
这都是你地图上计划的吗
That was all on your map, was it?
我可不想要这些
I don't want any part of this.
你就是 你就是在欺负他
You're just, you're just bullying him!
像你欺负其他人一样
Like you bully everybody else!
太好了 那你想让他娶我们的妈妈
Cool, so you're just going to let him marry Mom
并从此让他们快乐的生活在一起
and have their little happily ever after?
我认为这也没有那么糟糕
I don't think it'd be the worst thing in the world.
好嘛
Cool!
那么 你找到了新的住处吗
So, you find a new place to live yet?
好吧 一旦他们结婚 他都搬进来了
Well, once they're married and he's all moved in,
他们不只是要你闲逛
they're not just going to want you hanging around.
不知全貌 不予置评 亚当
You don't know that. Adam?
小凯说得对
He's got a point, Kev.
不 艾伦和我 我们在一个公会里 好吗
No, Alan and I, we're in a guild, okay?
所以 他永远不会背叛我
So, he'd never betray me.
情况不同了 凯文
Things change, Kevin.
公会解散了
Guilds break up.
他一搬进去
Once he moves in,
妈妈每周五做的酸奶 都拜拜了
your little Friday fro-yo dates with Mom, bye bye.
还有每天12点半的奶酪
Mac and cheese ready every day at 12:30?
不
Nope.
你在沙发上的电影时光 你最喜欢的那个
Your movie spot on the couch, your favorite spot.
-不 -想想吧
- No! - Effing ta-ta, man.
我...我的意思是 你可能因此比我们所有人损失更多
I... I mean, you probably stand to lose more in this than any of us,
我们并不是说你不能成为朋友
and we're not saying you can't be friends,
但是我们需要阻止这场婚礼
but we need to put a stop to this wedding.
想一想
Think about it.
我需要一个人静一静
I need to be alone with my thoughts.
-我想我们目的达到了 -你今晚开的玩笑太过分了
- I think we got him. - That shit you pulled tonight was too far.
我说了不要搞出人命
I explicitly said no murder.
你再这么弄 我就不来了
You pull that shit again and I'm done.
刚刚我检查了 那个家伙还没死
Last I checked, the guy's not dead.
克里斯蒂 男人婆 很高心见到你 玩得开心
恶心
Pfft, vomit.
嘿 蒂米
Hey, Timmy.
克里斯蒂
Christy?
你在这里做什么 走开 你真恶心
What are you doing hereGo away, you're gross.
真的吗
Oh, really?
这恶心吗
Is this gross?
是的
Yes.
那这个呢
What about this?
-嗯-嗯
- Uh... - Mm-hmm?
我还有东西要给你
I got something else for you.
这些 还有账单要支付
These, bills to pay!
- 什么 -蒂芙尼的骑马课
- What- Tiffany has horseback riding lessons
而且你拖欠了付款
and you're behind on the payments.
-不 -我的圣经学习课
- No! - I've got bible study.
- 什么 -每天60美元
- What- That's $60 a day.
为什么 那应该是免费的
For whatThat should be free!
孩子足球训练完了你去接了吗
Did you pick up the kids from soccer practice?
我们没有孩子
We don't have kids.
-蒂米 佩内洛普 朱利普 耶利米 - 哦 我的天
- Timmy, Penelope, Julep, Jeremiah. - Oh, my God!
还有安迪和莫莉 我忘记了一个人
Andy, and Molly, I'm forgetting someone.
朱利普现在是一名童子军了
Julep's a Boy Scout now.
-他希望你成为他们的领导 -不
- He wants you to be the team leader. - No!
还有些木头需要你来劈
There's some logs that need splitting outside.
你考虑过我们昨晚谈论的了么
Did you think at all about what we talked about last night?
我们看看会发生什么
We'll see what happens.
哦 早晨 阳光普照
Oh, morning, sunshine.
很高兴你可以加入我们
Glad you could join the men.
你的头发乱的恰到好处吗
Did you get your hair curled just right?
吃吧 伙计 我刚刚在和凯蒂和马克思视频
Eat it, dude. I was FaceTiming with Katie and Max.
男子汉营地里你还去视频兄弟 你可真是个妻管严
FaceTiming at Man CampDude, you are so whipped.
你在做什么
What are you doing?
我只是在想凯蒂鞭打我
I was just thinking about Katie whipping me
戴上类似印第安纳琼斯的小帽子
with, like, a little Indiana Jones hat on or something.
该尸体属于博物馆
That body belongs in a museum.
你们太过分了
You guys are going to Hell.
神殿
Temple of Do Me.
-艾伦还在睡觉吗 -是的
- Alan still asleep- Yeah.
我们应该把他叫醒
We should probably wake him up.
熊
Bear!
熊 熊
Bear, Bear!
凯文
Kevin!
艾伦的各种死法
哦 差点
Oh, that was so close!
我差点就抓到了
I almost had it!
他在那里呆了多久了
How long has he been out there?
45分钟吧
Like, 45 minutes.
我不明白 他现在应该体温过低了吧
I don't get it, he should have severe hypothermia by now,
濒临死亡了一样
like near death.
伙计 他好像玩得还挺开心的
Man, he's really going for it out there.
我不得不承认 我的意思是
I got to hand it to him, I mean,
他可能是个笨蛋 但他确实很坚定
he might be a dumb ass but he's a committed one.
是的 嗯 你知道
Yeah, well, you know,
至少是个不害怕承诺的人
at least somebody's not afraid of commitment.
我会害怕那个吗 不会
Is that supposed to make me upsetBecause it doesn't.
结婚 生孩子 都挺好的
Getting married, having kids, that's great.
但...
But...
...你并不总能在他身边
...you're not always going to be there for him,
而且我不会再让另一个孩子经历那件事
and I'm not going to put another kid through that.
看看小凯
Look at Kev.
这么怪异 老兄
So weird, dude.
这个家伙会成为我们的继父吗
This guy's going to be our stepdad?
爸爸会很生气的
Dad would be so pissed.
伙计们 爸爸不会生气
Dad wouldn't be pissed, guys.
嗯 那个 那句话是不是他说的
What was that, um, that saying that he came up with?
“永远不要只看事物的表面 ”
"Never judge a book by its cover."
-凯文 爸爸没有说过那个 那是...-实际上 大家都这么说
- Kevin, Dad didn't make that up, that's like... - Literally everyone says that.
-大家的爸爸都是 -大家都这么说
- Every dad. - Everyone says that.
哦 我抓到了 抓到了
Oh, got it! I got one!
- 妈的 - 我抓到了
- Oh, shit! - I got it!
-哦 -噢 天哪 它在尖叫
- Oh! - Oh, my God, it's screaming!
尖叫鱼会尖叫
It's screaming! Fish scream?
哦 我的天 来人帮帮忙
Oh, my God! Someone, please, help!
- 帮帮我 -那不是生物 艾伦 记住
- Help! - Not living things, Alan, remember!
海里面的蔬菜
Veggies of the sea.
-嗷 -你必须把它从痛苦中解救出来 哥们
- Ugh! - You got to put it out of its misery, bud.
大多数人喜欢...
Most people like...
-哦 - 什么
- Oh! - what?
哇
Wow!
我希望你能快乐
I hope you're happy!
干得好 你这个王八蛋
Well done, you sick son of a bitch.
所以 让我把这个说清楚
So, let me get this straight.
我说过让他摆脱苦难
I said put it out of its misery,
你首先想到的却是
and you first thought is let me bite
像个怪物一样咬掉他的头
this creature's head off like a monster?
好吧 这似乎比较像他们在自然环境下
Well, it seemed the closest type of death
面临的正常死法
that it might've faced in the natural world.
我真的很尊重那个
I respect that actually.
你知道我们在捉弄你 对吗
You know that was a setup, right?
怎么有人会傻到这样能够捉到鱼
Like a joke we play on people that are stupid enough
我们就是在捉弄你
to think you can actually catch a fish like that.
是的 很明显
Yeah, that part was pretty obvious.
好吧 那你为什么不出来反驳呢
Well, then why didn't you just stand up for yourself?
什么 所以你就又可以再电我一次
What, so you could electrocute me on something else?
我拿着那可笑的矛去那个河里
I went in that water with that ridiculous little spear
向你们证明
to make a statement to you boys
没有什么我做不到的
that there's nothing I wouldn't do
向你证明我自己可以
to try to make it work with this family, on your terms, not mine.
我会一直待在那里
I'd have stayed out there all night,
直到不想了 或者我刺到一条该死的鱼
until either you broke or I stabbed a damn fish.
我是说 这应该没什么大惊小怪的
I mean, it was supposed to be this big cathartic symbol.
但是我感觉自己就像刺破了别人的皮肤一样
Then I actually pierced one's skin,
而且它尖叫了 我就惊慌失措了
and it shrieked, and I just panicked.
好吧 做得好
Well, well done.
是的 谢谢
Yeah, thanks.
但是 如果你认为这将变得如此简单
But if you think it's going to be that easy,
但是另一个问题会摆在你面前
you got another thing coming.
那你就得有很多的事情需要在意了
You got a lot to live up to
首先就是婚姻
when it comes to marriage number one.
我认为他会是她的灵魂伴侣的 蒂姆
I know he'll always be her soulmate, Tim.
就应该这样
And that's the way it should be.
他一定是男人的榜样
He must've been a hell of a man.
我...我希望我见过他
I... I wish I had met him.
我很高兴她喜欢我在身边
I'm just glad she likes being around me.
好吧 我要去换件干衣服
Well, I'm going to put on some dry clothes.
每个人都会给他们的妻子和孩子说自己爱他们
Everybody hydrate and tell your wives and kids you love them.
我们要去克里酒吧
We're going to Curly's.
来吧 你个王八蛋 我在等你 好吗
Come on, you bitch. This is happening, okay?
不要逼我使用武力
Don't make me take you by force.
我向凯蒂保证 我不会再
I promised Katie that I would never go back there,
像那次那样的
not after last time.
来吧 伙计
Come on, dude.
不要再那样了啊 那个家伙又没有死 我的意思是...
The charges were dropped, and the guy didn't die, I mean...
没死 你就凭这个说一切都好
Didn't dieThat's your qualification for everything being fine,
-他没有死 -我们该怎么回应
- that he didn't die. - How else are we supposed to bond
如果我们不带他去的话 他会不会出卖我们
with wiener lips back here if we don't take him to Curly's?
这才是真正可以区分一个男孩和男人的
It's what separates the men from the boys.
亚当 兄弟
Adam, bro.
行吧
Fine.
但是...
But...
不带手机
phones are locked in the glove box.
没有证据 最多喝两杯 好吗
No evidence, and two drink max, okay?
来吧 伙计
Totes, dude.
再来两杯
Two more moonshines, please!
凯文凯文 你要喝一杯吗
Three, KevinKevin, you having a moonshine?
一个小时前我就没喝了
I switched to water an hour ago.
凯文一个小时前就改喝水了
Kevin switched to water an hour ago.
你能把下巴稍微抬一抬吗
Could you lift your chin just a little...
完美
Perfect.
谢谢 艾伦在哪
Thank you. Where's Alan?
那家伙在哪
Where's that guy?
伙计 如果你伤害了我妈妈 她是个好人
Now, dude, if you hurt my mom, she's a good dude.
如果你伤害了她...
If you hurt her...
- 哇 - 懂么
- Wow. - Get it?
好吧 第一 我明白你的意思
Okay, number one, I get what you're saying,
但别急 因为我爱她 好吗
but hold your horses, because I love her, okay?
- 我也是 -所以如果你爱一个人...
- Me too, me too. - So if you love someone...
我相信你 我相信这一点
I know you do, and I believe in that,
但是如果我爱一个人 我不会伤害她的
but if I love someone, I'm not going to hurt someone,
因为她是我的家人 兄弟 就像你一样
because she's my family, bro. Just like you are.
-你是一家人 - 那就对了
- You are family. - That's right.
-永远不要把自己看得太重或者太低 - 那就对了
- Never above you, never below you. - That's right.
- 一直与你同在 - 就这样
- Always with you. - That's it.
-我听说 你知道...-啊
- I hear, you know... - Ugh!
如果有人...给凯蒂...如果有人做了某事...
If somebody... to Katie... if somebody did something...
有一次 这个人在厕所墙上
One time, this guy wrote something
-写了些她的坏话 老兄 - 不会吧
- about her on a bathroom wall, dude. - No way!
-我当时...-你是认真的吗
- And I was... - Are you serious?
哦 你 你杀了他么
Oh, you, you killed him?
-我很想 -哦
- I wanted to. - Oh.
我差不多了 我差点就杀了他
I almost did. I still almost want to kill him, almost.
-差不多了-我要去做
- Almost. - I'm going to do it.
我就要去弄他
I'm going to rough him up!
-我要去揍扁他 -是的
- I'm going to rough up Eric Brinkerhoff. - Yeah!
-蒂姆 - 来吧
- Tim! - Come on!
他们叫这个什么 嗯 同花顺
What do they call a, uh, straight flush?
我认为我赢了 对吗
I think it's a win, right?
很好 嗯 希望你喜欢我的手表
Nice, eh. Enjoy the watch.
谢谢你 大手表
Thank you, big watch.
-我要你的钥匙 -不行 哥们
- I need your keys. - Ain't happening, bud.
-不 只有我和艾伦...-好吧 下一个是谁
- No, it's just me and Alan just... - All right, who's next?
我和艾伦要去揍埃里克一顿
Me and Alan are going to go rough up Eric,
埃里克·布林克霍夫 我要钥匙...
Eric Brinkerhoff and I need the keys...
嘿 兄弟 你为什么不先醒半个小时的酒
Hey, bud, why don't you sober up for a half hour,
然后再去揍他 好吗
then I'll go rough up Eric Brinkerface, okay?
你老婆很火辣
Your wife is hot.
你在看什么
What are you looking at?
这一次 我还上了凯蒂的二垒
This one time, I got to second base with Katie Baker.
凯蒂·贝克是我老婆 你这个混蛋
Katie Baker is my wife, you asshole!
小子 有什么问题吗
We got a problem, son?
二垒
Second base.
我要揍你他妈的
I'm about to rough you up!
你能不能
Now if I could just get you to,
稍微转一转
just turn to the light a little bit.
让光照到脸颊上
Cheek down.
- 像这样 嗯 -没错
- Like thisMm-hmm. - Absolutely.
你确定以前从未当过模特吗
Are you sure you never modeled before?
那很好
That was good.
你拥有北欧女王的额线
You have the brow line of a Nordic queen.
我相信你一直都知道
I'm sure you get that all the time.
爸爸说我的额头是他见过的最硬的
My daddy said I had the hardest forehead he'd ever seen.
好吧 他没错
Well, he's not wrong.
这个确实很硬
It's hard.
而且饱含深思 还有求知欲
And also pensive, inquisitive.
不 我没那么好学
No, I ain't no inquisitiver.
你是处女座吗
Are you by any chance a Virgo?
不 因为我15岁就不是了
Nope, not since I was 15.
爸爸喜欢
Daddy like.
你这个白痴 这是你自找的
You moron, you brought this on yourself.
有他 去 去 跑
Got him, go, go, go run!
我马上到 嗯 不
I'll be right there! Uh, no.
不 不 不 不要吵
No, no, no, don't fight it.
不要打架
Don't fight it.
天哪 太神奇了 伙计
Holy shit, that was amazing, dude!
兄弟 我们把那个家伙扔飞了 我们把他丢了出去
Dude, we threw that guy! We threw him!
我们扔了那个家伙
We threw a guy!
还有艾伦 艾伦来了个锁喉 兄弟
And Alan, Alan with the choke hold, bro!
天哪 艾伦
My man! Alan?
艾伦
Alan?
我们忘了艾伦
We forgot Alan!
克里 酒吧
凯文
Kevin.
他们在做什么
What are they doing?
他们可能在分他的财物
They're probably divvying up his personal effects.
-是的 -现在 我敢肯定你们都在想
- Yeah! - Now, I'm sure you're all wondering,
Lumpy的卡在哪里 就在这里
what happened to Lumpy's card, and it's right here!
是的
Yeah!
哦 我的车到了 走了
Oh, my ride's here, got to go.
你们有点过分
Like hell you do.
克里 我想给这些兔崽子买些饮料
Curly, I'd like to buy these sons of bitches a round of drinks.
是的
Yeah!
-家 -我们回来了
- Home. - We're home!
哦 伙计 我不应该打那些芝士薯条
Oh, man, I shouldn't have hit those cheese fries.
你从哪里学到的呢
Where did you learn how to do that?
-什么 锁喉功么 -是的
- What, the rear naked choke- Yeah.
哦 你妈妈和我
Oh, your mom and I,
看 我们参加了一次自卫健身课
see, we take a self-defense fitness class.
每个星期二的11:30
Every Tuesday at 11:30, that's actually,
这就是为什么我要去塑型
that's why I go to Shapers,
它是针对女性的 小凯 就是这样
and it is for women, just so you know, Kev, it is.
但是你知道吗
But you know what?
老塔拉 她偶尔会变得有点自觉
Old Tara, she gets a little self-conscious now and then
当她尝试新事物时 我说 你知道吗
when she's trying something new, so I said, you know what?
-照顾好塔拉 -照顾好塔拉
- Taking care of Tara. - Taking care of Tara.
好吧 我不想哭了
Well, I don't want to start crying,
但是我没有想到
but you know what I didn't know,
我会那样使用它
I didn't know that I would be using it like that.
害
Hiya!
有人看过视频吗
Did anyone get a video?
不 因为我们的电话都被锁在了卡车里面
No, because our phones were all locked in the truck.
-非常感谢 亚当 -哦 亚当
- Thanks a lot, Adam. - Oh, Adam.
不客气 你们
You're welcome, you guys.
我去给你们拿
I'll go get them for you guys.
是的 艾伦 你是我的新朋友
Yeah, Alan, you're my new buddy.
你用那个救了我 因为…哦 哦 哦
You saved me with chokehold, because... oh, oh, oh.
哦 是艾伦的电话
Oh, it's Alan's phone.
让我们看看 我的朋友艾伦 你对我妈妈说什么
Let's see, my friend Alan, what do you say to my mom?
“希望你过得愉快 ”
"Hope you're having a nice time."
很好 我们还能得到什么
That's nice, what else have we got?
蒂姆 凯文 我有东西要给你们看
Tim, Kevin, I got something to show you guys.
我有东西要给你们看
I got something to show you guys.
想要我替你再甩一次还是
Want me to roll again for you or?
嗯
Mm-hmm.
哦 老兄 再次入睡感觉真好
Oh, man, it feels so good to get a sleep in a bed again.
天哪
My man!
好吧 男孩们 男子汉营地的最后一天 让我们数一数
Well, boys, last day of Man Camp. Let's make it count.
-徒步到“隐匿处” -是的
- Hike up to the Hideaway. - Yeah.
嗯 艾伦 我们又没水了
Um, Alan, we're low on water again.
你介意去小河里吗
Would you mind running down to the creek
在我们回去之前把水打满
and filling us up before we head out?
好啊
Aces.
鸡鸡的照片
Dick pic.
艾伦在发自己鸡鸡的图片
Alan is sending dick pics.
你自己看
See for yourself.
你确定是他吗
Are you sure that's him?
这是一周前的电子邮件
It's an email from a week ago.
他在发送鸡巴照片
Dude is sending dick pics.
-恶心 是吗 -是什么意思
- Gross, is that it- What do you mean, is that it?
我的意思是 这照片真是太糟糕了
I mean, it's gross that you had see his situation, man,
感谢你让我们也看到
and thank you for bestowing that honor on the rest of us,
真的 谢谢 但你知道
really, thanks, but you know,
如果他和妈妈想 那不关我的事
it's none of my business if him and Mom want to,
你知道的
you know, do that.
是的 这有什么大不了的
Yeah, wha... what's the big deal?
我们又看不到他裤子里面
Besides having forever X-ray vision into Alan's pants?
你知道 那不影响我们 所以
You know, that doesn't affect us, so.
是的 除了可以
Yeah, except that it does.
他不是寄给妈妈的
He's not sending them to Mom.
看看邮件发给谁的
Check the outgoing message.
他将它们发给了叫茜拉的女人
He's sending them to some lady named Sheila.
“哇 那真的很大
"Wow, that's really big.
你赶快过来啊 ”
You're going to need to come over soon."
有什么大不了的
What's the big deal?
艾伦 你怎么能这样 你怎么能这样
Alan, how could you do thisHow could you do this?
我们可是好兄弟
We were blood brothers in a guild.
凯文 这不是在开玩笑 妈妈被玩弄了
This isn't a joke, Kevin. Mom's getting played.
这不是开玩笑
D&D is not a joke.
-我打电话给妈妈 -不要打给她 好吗
- I'm calling Mom. - Don't call her, okay?
这是面对面的对话
This is a face to face conversation.
我们到家时会告诉她
We'll tell her when we get home.
蒂姆 别打给她
Tim, do not call her.
凯文 来
Kevin, come on.
你知道 就现在来说
You know, just for the record,
我还是喜欢待在木屋里面 哦
I really like being at the cabin. Oh.
营地周的最后一天 哥们
Last day of Man Camp, bud.
我们要走这条小路 这是传统
We hike up to the Hideaway, it's tradition.
是的 我知道 但是我有点累了
Yeah, I know but I'm just getting a little winded here.
这对你有好处
Well, it's good for you.
促进心脏跳动 血液流向四肢
Gets the heart pumping, blood flowing to the extremities.
我觉得我要喘口气
I think I need to take a little breather.
大约半英里后面有一座孤峰
There's a lone peak that opens up about a half mile.
我在那里等你
I'll meet you up there.
千万不要错过 它很突出
You can't miss it, bulges up from the ground.
很大 很硬 随时准备爆炸一样
Strong, firm, ready to explode.
你肯定想拍一张照片的
You'll want a pic of that for sure.
-老兄 -孤峰
- Dude. - Lone peak.
在那等你们
Meet you guys up there,
看好了 不要错过
right there in your face, can't miss it.
我觉得你们可以继续往前走了
I'm thinking you maybe should go next.
我会赶上你们的
I'll spot you.
我一直很喜欢你 艾伦
I always liked you, Alan.
-嘿 -你好 公主
- Hey. - Howdy, princess.
我想 艾伦变得非常生气
Alan's getting pretty gassed, I think.
你的意思是 因为那个图片
You mean step daddy dick pic?
你有记忆不好吗
You got short term memory loss?
我不是坐在那玩耍的小家伙 老兄
I'm not sitting around playing pretend with that little perv, dude.
我实际上开始觉得
I was actually starting to think
有他在身边也挺好的
it might be nice to have him around, you know?
好吧 你想要真相吗
Well, you want the truth?
就现在
No time like the present.
嘿 男孩们 就在那里
Hey, boys, there it is.
之前说的孤峰
The lone peak just as described.
- 你好 朋友 -你好 蒂姆
- Hey, buddy. - Hello, Tim.
没想到你会在这
Wasn't, uh, expecting you there.
你 呃 你需要什么吗
Do you, uh, do you need something?
我吗 不需要
MeNo.
不 我没事
No, I'm good.
是的 我不知道你是不是还有什么没对我们说的
I just didn't know if there was anything you wanted to share with us?
呃 我不知道你指的是什么
Uh, I don't know what you're referring to.
你没有什么想说的
Nothing you want to get off your chest?
是想让我们来猜
Maybe let us in the loop on?
好的
okay.
是的 你问住我了
Yeah, you got me.
- 你不知道 -不 你是对的
- You have no idea. - No, you're right.
我的意思是 我不应该把那个
I mean, I shouldn't have tried to keep it to myself.
是的 那个是我为你妈妈留下来了
Yeah, I'm saving it for your mom and I, for this weekend.
- 什么 -是的 这是泰国棍 但是我们...
- What- Yeah, it's a Thai stick. But we...
我不是说这个小棍子 艾伦
I don't give a shit about your shitty little joint, Alan!
如果你一直在欺骗我们的妈妈 我希望你现在告诉我们
I want you to tell us right now if you've been cheating on our mom.
-欺骗 -我们可是亲如兄弟
- Cheating- We're brothers in a guild.
你怎么能
How could you?
你们以为我在骗你们妈妈
You guys think that I was cheating on your mother?
想想我在说什么
Read my lips.
- 什么 -什么意思
- What- What do you mean, what?
好吧 你说让我猜 然后你捡起一块石头
Well, you said read your lips, and then you picked up a rock,
然后你把它扔了
and you threw it, and you hit a...
我知道我在说什么
I know what I said!
我想他想说的是
I think what he's trying to say,
艾伦 我们只是想确保
Alan, is we just want to make sure
你只有妈妈 而不是
that you're fully committed to Mom, and there's not, like,
还有一些其他的人 就类似在外面沾花惹草
some other stuff out there, kind of floating around.
老实告诉我们吧
You might want to tell us about and be honest.
好吧 答案是
Well, the answer is,
除了你妈妈 我不想浪费我生命中的
there's absolutely no one besides your mother
任何一秒钟
that I would like to spend
在其他人身上
even a second of the rest of my life with.
那真的是我的感觉 我不骗你...
That's really the way I feel, and I don't appreciate you...
老兄 你实在太烂了
You're so full of shit, dude.
-伙计们 这是什么 -别这么混蛋 老兄
- Guys, what is this- Don't be such an asshole, man.
你知道自己做了什么 只是承认而已
You know what you did, just admit it.
老实说 我不知道你们在说什么 凯文
I honestly have no idea what you guys are talking about. Kevin?
我很困惑 因为你真是个好人 艾伦
I'm so confused because you're such a great guy, Alan,
而且 你几乎是我最好的朋友...
and you're, like, pretty much my best friend...
但是你手机上的图片
but the pictures on your phone.
什么
What?
你听到他说的话 我们知道了
You heard what he said, we know.
伙计们 来吧 如果你愿意 我可以解释一下...
Guys, come on, that's something that I can explain if you want...
伙计 我们不需要你该死的解释
We don't need your Goddamn explanation, man.
好吧 我们只想让你离开这里
Okay, we just want you to get the hell out of here
离开我们的家人
and leave our family alone.
你知道 如果你不要这么的
You know, if you would stop
胡搅蛮缠
this macho barbarian bullshit for one second
然后听我说 我可以解释一下
and just listen to what I have to say, I can explain this.
你离我妈妈远点
You leave my mom alone.
她嫁的那个男人
She's already married
比你任何时候都要男人一些
to someone who even if he is six feet underground,
尽管他不在了
is more of a man than you'll ever be.
好吧 好吧
Okay, okay.
没关系
That's fine.
你知道 我知道我永远不会
You know, I know that I'll never be
成为你们想要的样子
what you guys want me to be,
但是你有想过吗
but did you ever think for even a second
也许你父亲并不完美
that maybe your dad wasn't perfect?
也许他实际上也有一些自己的问题
Maybe that he actually had some problems of his own?
-小心点 伙计 -你们这么大了 应该知道这一点
- Careful, man. - You're old enough to know this,
你们想让我达到的标准
that this impossible standard
根本是不真实的
that you're holding me to is not real.
你为什么不问你妈妈到底发生了什么
Why don't you ask your mom what really happened?
- 你在说什么 -我说的是你爸爸 蒂姆
- What are you talking about- I'm talking about your dad, Tim.
那不是癌症 好吗
He didn't have cancer, okay?
是肝衰竭
It was liver failure.
他是一个酒鬼
He was an alcoholic.
但是那又怎样呢
But so what?
我的意思是 这不会改变事实
I mean, that doesn't change the fact
他是一个伟大的父亲
that he was a great dad.
但是你们一直拿来和我比的那个超人
But this superhuman person
根本就不存在
that you guys keep comparing me to doesn't exist.
就像我们其他人一样他也不完美
He was broken just like the rest of us,
只是你们想象出来的...
and you made him out to be this person that...
走
Get out.
-我... -滚
- I'm... - Just go!
-妈的 -什么
- Shit. - What?
杆子在艾伦那
Alan had the poles.
卷云
Cirrus cloud.
那更像是层云
It's more of a stratus.
看 它是平的 而且在顶部
See, it's flat on top.
嗯
Hmm.
你认为艾伦说的是真的吗
You think it's true what Alan said about Dad?
我不知道
I don't know.
即使是这样 那又有什么不同
Even if it was, what would it change?
一切都会不同
Everything.
他可能仍然会和我们在一起
He could've still been here with us.
不是 那是他的错
It would've been his fault that he's not.
他本可以给我们更多时间
He could've given us more time.
是的
Yeah.
太疯狂了 你知道...
It's crazy, you know...
看到你所有的朋友长大...
to see all your friends grow up...
了解到自己的父母 无论是为人还是其他
get to know their parents, you know, as people or whatever.
我们永远都不会看到爸爸的那一面了
We're never going to get that with Dad.
他 永远都会是孩子时期的版本
He's just, always going to be a kid version.
我知道 很多东西都不完美
I know, like, a lot of that stuff is shitty or whatever,
但是我只希望他能看到我们变成男人 你知道吗
but I just wish he could see us as men, you know?
我知道12年了 我们该慢慢忘却了 等等
I know after 12 years we should be over it or whatever, but..
我仍然每天都想念他
I still miss him, every day.
这个新家伙进来了...
This new guy comes in and...
我只想要爸爸
I just want Dad.
我也是
Me, too.
我也一样
Me, three.
我确实希望妈妈开心
I do want Mom to be happy though.
好吧 也许她明年会找到另一个男人
Well, maybe she'll find another guy next year.
想象一下 如果我们有一年的计划
Imagine if we had a year to plan?
兄弟 你真是个傻叉
Dude, you're such a dick.
你们可能恨我 但我会想念艾伦的
You guys might hate me, but I'm going to miss Alan.
我很高兴和他在一起
He was nice to have around.
我知道 凯文 他不是我们认为的那样
I know, Kevin, he's not who we thought he was.
我确定妈妈会找到其他人的
I'm sure Mom will find somebody else.
是的 你可能是对的
Yeah, you're probably right.
蚂蚁 蚂蚁 蚂蚁
Ants, ants, ants!
-哦 该死 -该死 凯文
- Oh, oh shit. - Dammit, Kevin!
没有蚂蚁 伙计
There's no ants, dude.
你做了什么
What did you do?
我可能已经发出去了...
I may or may not have sent the, uh...
我被愤怒蒙蔽了双眼 无法确定
I was blinded by rage. There's no way of knowing for sure.
-亲爱的 我昨晚打电话给你 - 离我远点
- Sweetie, I tried calling you all last night. - Stay away from me!
我不想听到你的声音 我只想你走
I don't want to hear it from you, I just want you to go.
但是宝贝 我完全可以解释那些照片
But babe, I can totally explain those pictures.
不要叫我宝贝
Do not call me babe!
-我以为你是一个正派的人 -我是一个正派的人
- I thought you were a decent man. - I am a decent man.
不 不 不 别说了
No, no, no, save it!
天哪 我应该知道的
God, I should've known.
我不该和你搅在一起
I never should've gotten involved with you.
我曾经找到我一生的爱
I found the love of my life once,
应该就足够了
that should've been enough.
我需要你远离我的孩子们
I need you to stay away from my boys, just...-
离他们远一点
just stay away from them!
凯文 上车
Kevin, get in the car!
但是我没有...我没有
But I don't... I don't have my stuff.
不 蒂米和亚当会带来的 上车
No, Timmy and Adam will bring it. Get in the car, now!
凯文 再见
See you, Kevin.
茜拉医生男性诊所
你是否患有勃起功能障碍
Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?
你是否患有勃起功能障碍
Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?
你遭受了可怕的副作用
Have you suffered horrible side effects
从品牌名称处理
from brand name treatments?
如果你准备试试其他的
If you're ready to try something different
并恢复性生活 今天就打电话给我 茜拉医生
and get your sex life back, call me, Dr. Sheila Sterns today.
你可以在白天或晚上随时打电话
You can call anytime, day or night.
或拨打我们的24小时热线 我们会接的
Or call our 24 hour hotline, I will pick up.
妈的
Oh, shit.
妈的
Oh, shit.
-怎么了 兄弟 -茜拉是个男科医生
- What's up, bro- Sheila is a dick doctor.
- 闭嘴 -不 伙计
- Shut up. - No, dude.
我刚刚在电视上看过广告 我打了热线
I just literally saw a commercial on TV. I called the hotline,
他们是说你可以发一张
and they said you could literally
你的阴茎的照片
send her a picture of your penis.
想一想 他发了一张照片
Think about it, he sends a picture.
她说:“那太大了 你需要马上过来 ”
She says, "That's so big, you need to come in right now."
天哪 你是对的
Holy shit, you're right.
我们怎么办
What are we going to do?
好吧 我们现在必须弥补一下
Well, we got to fix it, now.
你早上几点起床
What time are you up in the morning?
你没有课吗
Don't you have classes or something?
兄弟 我修到了足够的学分
Dude, I've had enough credits
毕业一年半了
to graduate for a year and a half.
好吧
okay.
嗯 你打算找份学位相关的工作吗
Um, so are you going to, like, use your degree for your job or?
-别扯远了 兄弟 -对 对 对
- Don't push it, bro. - Right, right, right.
- 几点了 -嗯 大约七点 七点接你吗
- What time- Uh, how 'about sevenPick you up at seven?
-四点钟到这里 -大概一个小时
- Be here at four. - That's in, like, an hour.
我就知道 我知道艾伦永远不会发送色情邮件
I knew it, I knew Alan would never send sex mails
给一个叫希拉的女人
to some woman named Sheila.
是的 凯文 我想我们所有人都想歪了
Yeah, Kevin, I think we all got a little carried away.
现在 如果那是凯蒂
Now, if it were Katie.
别再说我老婆了 计划是这样
Stop talking about my wife. Here's the plan.
凯文 你比任何人都更了解艾伦
Kevin, you know Alan better than anybody,
所以你和蒂姆要去找他
so you and Tim are going to go find him,
道歉 并把他带回这里
apologize, and bring him back here.
道歉
Apologize?
我不知道那是什么意思
I don't know what that means.
按我说的做 混蛋
Just do it, asshole.
听起来不错
Sounds good to me.
- 我们开始吧 -放下剑 凯夫
- Let's do it. - Put the sword down, Kev.
那么 我们要去哪里
So, where are we going?
现在是星期二下午11:30
It's 11:30, Tuesday afternoon.
需要我为你讲清楚吗
Do I have to spell it out for you?
从顶部开始
From the top and punch.
是的 哦 你做得很好
Yes, oh, you're doing so good.
给我看看 是的
Show me that body, yes!
膝盖 双膝 越来越重 莱斯利
Knee, double knee, harder, harder, Leslie!
莱斯利 重一点 不用那么重
Harder, not that hard, Leslie.
可别在地板上拉屎
Don't poop on the floor, don't poop on the floor.
肘 一 二 再来一遍
Elbow, one, two. Do it again.
如果有人来攻击你 你会怎么做
If somebody comes to attack you, what do you do?
我们从重拳开始
We take it from the punch and over.
再说 继续 是的
And over, keep going, yes!
起来 是的 继续
Up, yes, keep going.
哦 我的天 哦 喔
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
-哇 - 不 不
- Whoa! - No, no!
我还不想死 不要 我是无辜的
I don't think I'm ready to die, please don't, I'm innocent!
- 哦 我的上帝 -闭上眼睛 小男孩
- Oh, my God. - Go down, Mimi boy.
哦 我的上帝 哦 我的上帝
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
淡定淡定
This is normal! This is normal!
闭上你他妈的嘴闭嘴
Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!
七 八 一 二
Seven, eight, and one, and two.
是的 那么
Yeah. So.
好吧 我感觉就像是傻叉
Well, I feel like a B-I-T-C-H.
这不是你的错
It's not your fault.
就像是我们挖的坑
You know, we kind of set you up.
好消息是 现在还可以回到
The good news is, now things can go back
像以前一样
to the way they were before, you know?
你真的以为他还能待我如初么
You really think he's going to take me back after me
在我把他三个星期当了三个星期的恋童癖之后
treating him like a sexual predator for three weeks?
是的 完全是
Yeah, totally.
-冷静 没关系 我们在帮你们 - 啥
- Chill, it's okay, we're helping. - What the hell?
你可以呼吸
You can breathe,
如果你可以说话 你就可以呼吸
if you can talk, you can breathe.
好吧 好吧 好吧
Okay, okay, okay.
抱歉
Sorry, Al.
没关系
Oh, that's okay.
-亲爱的 -那么 幸福的家庭 对吧
- Oh, sweetie. - So, happy family, huh?
-听...-看...
- Listen... - Look...
不 你开始
No, you start.
很抱歉 我感觉自己像个傻瓜
I am so sorry, I feel like a complete fool.
-如果你不想和我有任何关系 我会完全...-嘘 嘘 嘘
- If you want nothing to do with me, I completely... - Shh, shh, shh.
我等了53年才找到真爱
I waited 53 years to find someone to fall in love with.
我认为我没有另一个53年
I don't think I have another 53 years
再来等待了
to wait to see if it happens again.
我爱你
I love you.
- 我爱你 嗯
- I love you. - Mm.
把他解开 伙计
Cut him free, dude.
什么 他们可以用手做想做的事了么
What, so they can do whatever they want with their hands?
不行 兄弟
No dice, bro.
我们走吧
Let's go.
幸福的一家
Happy family.
三个月后
走
Go!
没关系
It's okay.
-嘿 -凯夫
- Hey. - Hey, Kev.
斗篷呢
What happened to the cape?
我不再需要了
I don't need it anymore.
敬艾伦
To Alan.
敬爸爸
To Dad.
敬家人
To family.
嗨 蒂姆
Hey, Tim.
她在我后面 是吧
She's right behind me, isn't she?
-克里斯蒂 -我来打个招呼
- Christy. - I was just coming over to say hi,
看看你好吗
and see how you're doing.
-真的很好 -好
- Really good. - Good.
呃 你妈妈说你的大学进展还顺利
Uh, your mom said college is going great.
是的
Yeah.
她一直在和我说
She keeps talking about it.
好的 玩得开心
all right, well, have a good night.
你也是
You, too.
接着
Hold this.
我以为她很恶心
I thought she was gross?
别傻了
Don't be stupid.
她是个完美的女人
She's the perfect woman.
这就是为什么我永远不能和她在一起
That's why I could never be with her.
一切都结束了
It'd be all over.
所以
So?
我不知道 也许为时已晚
I don't know, maybe it's too late.
凯文 告诉他你告诉我的话
Kevin, tell him what you told me.
梦想能不能实现
The only place where dreams become impossible
取决于你自己
is in your own mind.
去吧
Go get them.
喂 嗯
Hey, um...
-我记得她有男朋友 - 哦耶 是的
- I think she has a boyfriend. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
随它吧
Let's just let it play out.
我还留着那些信件
I kept those letters.
哦 我敢肯定那些很糟糕
Oh, I'm sure they're awful.
很好 特别是像...
Pretty good, one in particular was like...
“玫瑰是红色 紫罗兰是蓝色 我想吻你 ”
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I want to kiss you."
嗯嗯
Okay, um...
嘿 嘿 那是我的女朋友 你这个王八蛋
Hey, hey, that's my girlfriend, you son of a bitch!
为时已晚 为时已晚
It's too late, it's too late!
-别 克里斯蒂 -停 停 停
- Not now, Christy. - Stop, stop, stop.
安德鲁
Andrew!
不 不 不 去睡觉吧 去睡觉
No, no, no, no. Go to sleep, go to sleep.
去吧 哥们 去吧
Go, buddy, go, go, go.
好啊 那么 我们狂欢吧
That's two, well, let's party!